Canada is pretty damn big...the sky is pretty damn high...and commercials are pretty damn annoying. These truisms are brought to you by the Department of the Bleeding Obvious.

But, it's one thing to know this in the same way that one might know the correct number of provinces and territories (13, right?) and it's another thing altogether to really experience the humongousness by doing something silly like taking a band on tour from coast to coast (or if you are really insane...coast to coast to coast).

In his rock 'n' roll memoir, Gentlemanly Repose, American musician Michael Ruffino states (and I'm paraphrasing here because I lent my copy to a touring musician) that if bands from the U.S. had to put up with Canadian touring conditions, there'd only be one or two of them...because there are stretches of land in this country where you can drive for hours and hours and hours and still only end up somewhere like Thunder Bay (a lovely city, just very few bars to play in).

With the help of MapQuest.com, let's take an imaginary tour from Victoria, B.C. to St. John's, Newfoundland, playing just the major population centres along the way. (Distances and times are approximate.)

• Victoria (pop. 335,000) to Vancouver (pop. 2,208,300) -- 4 hrs / 112 km. Not too bad, easily doable in a day and you get to sit on a ferry for most of the time.
• Vancouver to Calgary (pop. 1,060,300) -- 11 hrs / 965 km. You may want to take two days to do this. Perhaps you can get a show in Nelson.
• Calgary to Edmonton (pop. 1,016,000) -- 3 hrs / 320 km. Not too bad; you'll probably have time to hang out once you get to town. Hanging around Edmonton is much more entertaining than you would think.
• Edmonton to Saskatoon (pop. 206,500) -- 6 hrs / 530 km. That's a pretty long drive, but you'll probably still get there in time for sound check, maybe even dinner.
• Saskatoon to Regina (pop. 199,000) -- 3 hrs / 257 km. 3 hours is nothing...so too, unfortunately, is Regina's music scene.
• Regina to Winnipeg (pop. 706,900) -- 6 hrs / 570 km. Another pretty long drive with not a lot to see.
• Winnipeg to Thunder Bay (pop. 109,016) -- 9 hrs / 705 km. This is a serious haul, and no, there isn't really anywhere to stop along the way. You will be lucky just to get to the show on time.
• Thunder Bay to Sault Ste. Marie (pop. 74,566) -- 9 hrs / 710 km. Beautiful country, but there is nowhere to stop or play...hell, there are barely even gas stations.
• Sault Ste. Marie to Sudbury (pop. 155,219) -- 4 hrs / 310 km. Not so bad, but after having done a ton of driving since you left Winnipeg...you're still only in Sudbury.
• Sudbury to Toronto (pop. 5,304,000) -- 5 hrs / 390 km. You never thought you'd actually be happy to see Toronto, did you? You are now in Fat City, a.k.a Southern Ontario. There are lots of fine gigs around here that are all relatively short drives from each other. Let's say you play Hamilton, London and Peterborough.
• Toronto to Hamilton (pop. 710,300) -- 1 hr / 70 km
• Hamilton to London (pop. 432,451) -- 1.5 hrs / 130 km
• London to Kingston (pop. 146,838) -- 5 hrs / 434 km. You could probably stop in Toronto and play another show on the way.
• Kingston to Ottawa (pop. 1,146,790) -- 2 hrs / 200 km.
• Ottawa to Montreal (pop. 3,635,700) -- 2 hrs / 190 km. This will probably the best of your tour. A lot of cross country tours that start in the west end right about here, because as we head further east, the cities get smaller, and the drives (once again) get longer. We're gonna keep on going.
• Montreal to Quebec City (pop. 1,064,047) -- 3 hrs / 290 km. Many English-speaking bands don't actually play here. Perhaps you have a couple of songs in our second official language? Probably non.
• Quebec City to Moncton (pop. 117,727) -- 8 hrs / 775 km. I would be very surprised if your band hadn't had at least one major argument by this point. Probably about someone's socks.
• Moncton to Fredericton (pop. 47,560) -- 2 hrs / 185 km.
• Fredericton to Charlottetown (pop. 58,358) -- 4 hrs / 345 km. Actually, sorry to say, hardly anyone ever goes to Charlottetown. The one band I heard about who went there played to a crowd of five, and then spent the evening staying at the house of the guy who put on the show...who lived with his mother. They thought there was a Norman Bates thing going on.
• Charlottetown to Halifax (pop. 359,111) -- 3.5 hrs / 325 km. Woo hoo, Halifax! This will probably rival Montreal for the best show of your tour.
• Halifax to Antigonish (pop. 4754) -- 2 hrs / 210 km. Honestly, not many bands stop here either. But it is a university town (St. Francis Xavier), so there's got to be a gig here somewhere. Right? Right?
• Antigonish to Sydney (pop. 24,115) -- 3 hrs / 210 km. Once again, there is no real good reason to stop in Sydney...except you have to. The road ends here. Time to hop the ferry to Newfoundland.
• Sydney to St. John's (pop. 172,918) -- 18 hrs / 1130 km. Fortunately, you can sleep on the ferry. Also fortunately, Newfies are about the most hospitable people you could ever hope to meet, otherwise nobody in their right mind would still be on a tour by this point.

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Total: 110.5 hrs / 9319 km.

Congratulations, you are exactly half way!

Please take into consideration that all this travel time does not account for stopping to go to the bathroom, eating, stretching your legs or enjoying the scenery.

Nor does it account for inclement weather such as snowstorms (fall/winter), bug storms (spring), tornadoes (summer) and rain storms (year around).

It also doesn't account for the inevitable breakdown (personal and/or vehicular) that is part and parcel of every tour.

Keep in mind that, being a musician, all this driving isn't even part of your official "workday." The "real work" will usually keep you in the bar/club from 6 p.m. (or whenever you manage to arrive in town) until, let's say, 3 a.m., when the bar/club (hopefully) pays you. Then you'll probably spend a couple of hours "winding down" at wherever you've managed to end up staying for the night (this could range from park bench to luxury hotel room)...nobody likes coming home from work and going directly to bed. So, you stay up until 5:00 am, then if you manage to get your full five or six hours sleep, you'll really have to boot it to get to the next bar/club for sound check at 6 p.m. Yep, Canada's a real big country all right and touring it is serious work. Most bands in other countries have no idea just how easy they have it. They are pansies.

Music for the road:

British Columbia: "Down On The Fraser" by Circus In Flames

Alberta: "Edmonton" by Carolyn Mark

Saskatchewan: "Saskatchewan" by the Rheostatics

Manitoba: "Brandon" by Rae Spoon & Rodney DeCroo

Ontario: "Jesus Is From Steeltown" by B.A. Johnston

Quebec: "Let's Go To Montreal" by The Lanes (scroll down)

New Brunswick: "Downtown Is Alright" by The Port City Allstars

P.E.I.: "Prince Edward Island" by BJ Snowden

Nova Scotia: "West Chezzetcook" by Amy Honey

Newfoundland: "The Anthem" Gazeebow Unit

The North: "Yukon River" by Auburn

Canada: "Proud To Be Canadian" by the Dayglo Abortions

Andrew Pearson is owner and operator of Red Cat Records in Vancouver.