Opinion

The Christmas Letters: Santa Explains

Leaked emails expose service complaints from constituents.

By Steve Burgess 25 Dec 2014 | TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.

image atom
The Tyee is not at liberty to divulge how these emails came into our possession. Illustration by Nora B. Kelly.

Steve Burgess recently received a trove of leaked holiday emails. The Tyee feels it must publish them as a public service.

This final one comes from Mr. Claus himself. It seems that on those occasions when Santa cannot fulfil the requests he has received, he offers letters of explanation. The following are Santa's notes to various people who were disappointed on Christmas morning:

Prime Minister Stephen Harper:

We here at the North Pole were a little disappointed in you, Prime Minister. Normally we are pleased to see people using their letters to Santa to request Christmas surprises for others rather than themselves. But wishing someone a bad haircut and a terrible case of acne is the sort of thing we expect from bratty kid brothers rather than national leaders. Mr. Trudeau's personal grooming will remain his own business. As to the other matter you mentioned, it is not the policy of our organization to engage in military manoeuvres in order to intimidate President Putin or any other world leader. Finally, re: the jets, we gave you the Lego kind. Enjoy.

BC NDP leader John Horgan:

Your request for a political solution that will unite the green and labour wings of the NDP by allowing the development of LNG resources in a timely fashion while maintaining strong environmental protections, plenty of good jobs, and a healthy flow of tax revenue despite the currently unfavourable market situation was certainly a worthy request. Pardon me -- it was impolite to laugh. Anyway, can't help you. Maybe next year.

Alberta Premier Jim Prentice:

Your Christmas gift list had to be reassessed due to current energy market conditions. A tricycle is a perfectly nice Christmas gift that many children would be happy with. Besides, the Hummer you asked for would just make you foolish. They always do.

Mr. Conrad Black:

I'm afraid your request that I metagrobolize your unpropitious calumniators for their amaranthine obloquy puzzled our elf staff somewhat. We hope you enjoy the Speak 'n Spell. We gave you extra batteries.

Victoria Mayor Lisa Helps:

For one thing we simply did not have any Oliver Cromwell costumes in stock. But anyway, it was the opinion of the entire North Pole crew that you would be better off with a nice gift card. Hope you like Royal Doulton!

The Fraser Institute:

Santa is a little surprised that you people asked for anything at all.

Having received $175,000 from the Koch Brothers to push your climate change denial agenda, you neither need nor deserve anything from Santa. In fact I was planning to leave you a stocking full of coal until the elves reminded me that you love the stuff. Hence the 2-year subscription to the Journal of Applied Meteorology and Climatology. Do some reading, clowns.

Toronto media:

I can't force Mayor John Tory to date a Kardashian. Sorry.

Kim Jong Un:

Mrs. Claus and myself would like to sternly protest the hacking of our online passwords. We do not respond to threats. Besides, enriched uranium is not an item we keep in stock. Enjoy your Sony DVD gift pack.

Little Cindy Sanderson of Semlin Drive:

Thank you so much for the milk and cookies. They really hit the spot.

And bless you for making a Christmas list consisting only of a prayer for world peace and a Christmas free from worry for all children everywhere. It was a lovely thing to ask for, Cindy. What you got was a My Little Pony Pinkie Pie Helicopter. Best I could do, I'm afraid.

Merry Christmas anyway.

Vancouver ducks:

Come on now. What more do you want?

Please note our comment threads will be closed Dec. 22 to Jan. 5 to give our moderators a well-deserved break. Happy holidays, readers.  [Tyee]

Read more: Politics, BC Politics,

Share this article

The Tyee is supported by readers like you

Join us and grow independent media in Canada

Get The Tyee in your inbox

LATEST STORIES

The Barometer

Is it high time that stations pulled “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”?

Take this week's poll