Opinion

The Christmas Letters: Stephen Harper on 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'

Leaked emails reveal PM's latest try at warm and fuzzy.

By Steve Burgess 22 Dec 2014 | TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.

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The Tyee is not at liberty to divulge how these emails came into our possession. Illustration by Nora B. Kelly.

Steve Burgess recently received a trove of leaked holiday emails. The Tyee feels it must publish them as a public service.

This one originated with the prime minister's director of communications:

Hey People -- The Big Guy wants to record this Charlie Brown DVD commentary as a Christmas thing. Figures it will make him look warm and fuzzy. I dunno. Can anybody at the PMO change his mind? Do they ever try? Here's his thing:

Good evening friends both young and voting age! Holiday greetings from your prime minister. For many years A Charlie Brown Christmas has been a cherished holiday tradition and tonight it is my pleasure to interpret it for a new generation.

Charlie Brown is a young man who is discontented at Christmas. This is in spite of our recent announcement of an income-splitting program that will mean a Merry Christmas for all Canadians (within a certain tax bracket). According to his friend Linus, Mr. Brown is something of a malcontent -- and believe me, there are plenty of those around. Let's turn now to our holiday songbooks and sing "You're a Mean One, Mr. Mulcair," about the hairy beast who wants to steal Christmas via socialism. Different Christmas special but it fits.

Charlie Brown becomes depressed when he goes to the mailbox and finds no Christmas cards. Still, he can hardly complain about the discontinuation of door-to-door mail delivery considering how little mail he gets, can he? No he can't unless, as mentioned, he is a malcontent. Perhaps Mr. Brown would get more holiday cards if he didn't whine quite so much. Perhaps you would too.

Charlie Brown gets some psychiatric advice from Lucy for which he pays five cents, a fine example of a private two-tier health care system at work. Lucy suggests he direct the Christmas play, which makes perfect sense because show business is full of malcontents and socialists.

Meanwhile Charlie Brown's dog Snoopy, a far more sensible creature, is decorating his doghouse with Christmas lights hoping to win first place money in a big contest. Snoopy is a self-starter who is tired of the dog dish handouts he receives each night from Mr. Brown's beloved welfare state. He wishes to make his own cash and at the same time support our resource-based economy through maximum energy consumption.

Mr. Brown becomes upset at this of course, because those in opposition are always complaining about something.

Mr. Brown's sister Sally requests money from Santa Claus, which is typical. Well, she's young -- she'll soon learn how the world works.

Mr. Brown wishes to ensure the Christmas play will not be "commercial." He would evidently prefer some sort of Marxist pageant.

Is it really a mystery why Mr. Brown is so unpopular? There is a lot of music and dancing in this part of the show. The kid on the piano is not as good as me so I usually mute this part while doing my own awesome version of "Sweet Child of Mine." Then Linus recites a passage from the Bible to remind our multicultural friends just whose statutory holidays they are poaching. (Linus now has his own show on Fox News.)

In selecting a Christmas tree Mr. Brown opts for a charity case unable even to support itself. "Everything I touch gets ruined!" he cries when the tree flops over, and Mr. Brown has got that right, friends.

That little sound bite will make for a pretty good attack ad next campaign.

Luckily the private sector steps in and saves the day, creating the robust and healthy Christmas tree that is clearly a metaphor for our True North strong and free. Everyone learns an important lesson about how the State cannot make your holiday a joyous one and moreover that Mr. Brown's untested leadership has the potential for disaster.

Please have a merrily conservative Christmas. And while we encourage you to exchange holiday greetings, remember: choose your words carefully. Snoopy works for CSIS now.

Please note our comment threads will be closed Dec. 22 to Jan. 5 to give our moderators a well-deserved break. Happy holidays, readers.  [Tyee]

Read more: Federal Politics

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