Please Advise! How Much Profit Can be Squeezed from Canada’s Airports?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD. in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that major Canadian airports could soon be privatized. Vancouver’s YVR is one of airports that could be included in the plan. What effect will this have on travellers?

Signed,

B. Bishop

Dear BB,

The history of flight has been a history of innovation. It’s only natural that this same spirit of innovation would come to the portals from which we depart for the skies. Bold new initiatives are in the offing, and we are the lucky generation that will experience them.

Increasing airport fees is a progressive tax. Air travel is elite travel. It’s true that there are no more Greyhounds, and hitchhiking on freeways is illegal, but still, air travel is the gold standard. On a global level, flight is still the preserve of the privileged. Making it more expensive thus represents a kind of economic justice. Ideally then, the organizations taking over our airports ought to be charities like Doctors Without Borders or the Red Cross, who will funnel the profits into programs that will benefit the disadvantaged around the world. That’s probably how it will work. It’s a little too soon to tell.

How will the airport changes play out?

Modern flight involves discomfort. Like veteran interrogators of the Spanish Inquisition, airlines have become increasingly adept at introducing pain to achieve their goals. An airport should take a similar approach. Like an athlete in training, the traveller should be introduced to the same sort of conditions that will prevail on board. In future then, you will likely have to pay for an airport lounge seat that offers enough space to reach an untied shoelace or move your arms laterally. If you do not wish to be issued a knapsack containing an overtired infant, bring out that credit card.

Nostalgia is fun. Remember pay toilets? They’re back! Please be advised that by entering the OnlyFans washroom area you consent to the use of your image and likeness.

Some bleeding-heart airports currently provide live music, piano players and such to soothe the harried traveller. That stops here. From now on it’s kazoos and car alarms unless you cough up for some Brahms.

Anyone trying to grab a pre-flight espresso knows it can be a long process. The coffee lineups are lengthy. Yet while you stand in that line taking up space, you do so free of charge. Is that fair? Rent is expensive. We must all share the burden. Your fee will be calculated according to the amount of time spent in line. No more freeloaders in the new era. Enjoy your almond milk latte as a contributing member of society.

It’s expensive to board a flight. But weirdly, it’s currently free to disembark. What’s up with that? Privatizing airports will mean the gate fees once charged only to airlines will be extended to the passengers. You want to exit the plane via the jetway? Those things cost money. The gate doors are locked? Good news: they accept Apple Pay.

Air traffic control is a crucial part of any airport and naturally a key profit centre going forward. It’s been a long flight and you’d like to land. Just how bad do you want it? More than the desperate occupants of that 15-hour flight from Sydney? Prove it. Bidding for clearance starts at $1,000.

Don’t be concerned, though. It will all work out fine. You will hardly notice any difference at Vancouver Bet 365 International Airport. Scan the odds at the Weather Network, pick the winning trifecta of blizzard cancellations, and boom, you’ll be relaxing in first class. Unfortunately, your flight to Toronto Marriott International may be diverted to Toronto Motel 6. Some conditions apply.