Please Advise! What Now for the Election?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Quite a shocker last week, as BC United suspended its election campaign and Kevin Falcon threw his party's support behind the BC Conservatives.

What will the effects be?

Signed,

Rusty

Dear Rusty,

Falcon's about-face was executed at quantum speed. On Aug. 26 the Fraser Valley Current published an interview with Falcon in which he insisted BC United was in it to win it.

“I’m a very principled leader,” he told Aaron Pete, “and I believe that you need to guide yourself as a party by principles too. And to throw those out the window...”

Two days later, look out below! No time to open that window — Falcon wrapped those party principles around a brick. There were glass shards and principles pelting the sidewalk like Calgary hail. It was impressive. Think you can't repudiate everything you stand for in a heartbeat? Get yourself some of that Kevin Falcon can-do spirit!

It wasn't just Falcon's principles that were defenestrated. So were his candidates. Imagine finding out you are being divorced when your husband sends you a wedding invitation. That's how much notice BC United candidates got. (And worse, he's marrying that crazy neighbour you always avoided.) West Vancouver-Capilano MLA Karin Kirkpatrick says the BC United caucus was “shell-shocked and confused.” But Falcon told the party what many horrified daughters have been told before an arranged marriage: Father knows best.

“What they have to understand from me is that I have a different vista than they all do,” said Falcon. “I see and know way more things than they do.”

BC United brass insist negotiations with the Conservatives began only 72 hours before the announcement. Sounds like the kind of “merger” that starts with 12 rounds of shooters at the Keefer Bar. No telling who you'll wake up with.

Falcon implied there would be a smooth integration of BC United stars and existing Conservative candidates. Perhaps that process should have been negotiated before Falcon tossed his bargaining power out the window along with everything else. As it turned out, BC United MLAs like former cabinet minister Shirley Bond and former leadership candidate Todd Stone decided they wanted no part of the new deal. Who knows? Maybe vaccination also protects you from becoming a Conservative Party of BC candidate.

A few Conservative candidates have been replaced. Rachael Weber, the Prince George-Mackenzie nominee who said that 5G cell towers are “genocidal weapons” (and who was then stoutly defended by Conservative Leader John Rustad) has belatedly been given the boot. Presumably they informed her over a landline.

But they can't replace Rustad. He's the guy who was ousted from the BC Liberals because he did not believe in climate change, and apparently his opinions haven't changed. Rustad's philosophy is: “Never let them see you sweat. They might think you're a socialist.”

Falcon himself is not running but he'll still be visible. David Eby will make sure of that. Eby promptly tweeted a video of Falcon calling the BC Conservatives “too extreme” and saying: “I can't merge with a party that has candidates that equate vaccination with Naziism and apartheid.”

Of course Falcon spins it differently. “I’m encouraging all free-enterprise voters to come together and join me in helping to elect John Rustad and the Conservative party,” he says, playing the selfless uniter.

Joe Biden, what hast thou wrought? It seems falling on your sword is the new political jam. Even RFK Jr. took time out from repositioning dead bear cubs, chainsawing whale heads and posing with barbecued dogs to play the noble wingman and join forces with Donald Trump, perhaps one of the select few Americans destined for a deeper circle of hell.

Political self-sacrifice is trending. Imagine how Justin Trudeau must feel right now, his caucus staring at him like so many cartoon cats looking at a bird and hallucinating a pair of roasted drumsticks.