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PG Freezes, Lunn Fires, Spidey Splits

And more Fast Rewind of January.

Mark Leiren-Young 4 Feb

Mark Leiren-Young is a Vancouver screenwriter, playwright and journalist, and files his "Fast Rewind" summary of the news for The Tyee at the end of every month. His podcast interviews with notables about "Trees and Us" also appear on The Tyee.

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Marriage didn't stick.

The Governor General visited Vancouver and found it generally ungovernable. They're pouring hot water on the Nechako River, cold water on Canada's Afghanis-plans and heavy water on Ontario's nuclear reactors. Prime Minister Steve Harper became a Manley man and "The Prince of Pot" was baked. Two men were gunned down outside Vancouver's Gotham Steakhouse, proving that red meat is dangerous to your health.

The Golden Globes stopped spinning while support for the writer's strike SAGged. Late night comedy shows came back without writers . . . or comedy. The Kennedys checked in and Bobby Fischer checked out.

So let's pay at the pump -- as long as you can get your car through the snowdrifts -- don't tease the tasers and look back on the January that was.

Manley men

Former Liberal leadership candidate John Manley recommended that Canadians stay in Afghanistan after 2009, much to the chagrin of alleged Liberal leader Stephane Dion. Asked if this recommendation was in keeping with Liberal tradition, Manley said that it was absolutely in keeping with the Paul Martin tradition of the loser in a leadership race doing his best to undermine the winner.

The ReformaTory Party announced plans to give a whopping one billion dollars in aid to towns with dying industries and lots of voters as long as their next budget passes. If the budget fails as expected and they're re-elected, the ReformaTories promise to discover they can't afford one billion dollars and supply the towns with hundreds of dollars in Tim Horton's gift certificates. I know . . . not funny . . . . But it will be if Harper wins again and you read it after the next election . . . .


Alberta Prime Minister, Steve Harper, rejected a national advisory panel's recommendations to launch a carbon tax explaining that conserving the planet isn't the Conservative thing to do and he'd prefer to tax Prius drivers since they never vote Tory.

Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach decided to skip a discussion with Canada's other premiers about climate change because he was "staying home to wash my hair." Stelmach says he'll be delighted to discuss climate change as soon as every last drop of oil has been extracted from Athabasca.

'The Ottawa Syndrome'

Naturally Resourceless Minister Gary "thank God the Green Party splits the vote and gets me elected in one of the most progressive riding the country" Lunn defended his decision to fire the head of Canada's Nuclear Safety Commission for her crime of attempting to ensure Canada's nuclear safety. Prime Minister Steve says that despite calls to dismiss the Resourceless Minister, he "absolutely" stands behind Lunn . . . but not too close behind in case Lunn's radioactive.

Opposition party leaders accused the ReformaTory government of trying to stall an inquiry into former "prime minister" Brian Mulroney's dealing with "businessman" Karlheinz "Scooter" Schreiber until after the next federal election in order to avoid being drawn into any potential scandal. Prime Minister Steve will probably deny the allegations at some point and may even keep a straight face.

Paging William Gibson....

A new high tech driver's license will allow B.C. citizens to cross the border into America without a passport. The "enhanced" license will contain a chip that tells border guards your home address, place of birth, citizenship and how often you floss.

U.S. President George the Second announced he has big plans for his final year in office. In order to keep him from invading Iran, his dad bought him a new Playstation.

Dropouts won't graduate to US Electoral College...

John Edwards was forced to withdraw from the presidential race after campaigning to help poor people and discovering that poor people vote Republican because they don't want to pay taxes to help poor people.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the Republican presidential race -- which means the terrorists won.

Fred Thompson announced plans to drop out of the primaries while he still has enough supporters to be re-elected as district attorney on Law and Order.

Meanwhile, a British production company announced plans to launch Law and Order: London in the hopes of finding a new leader for the Tory party.

Barack Obama was declared the new JFK by the Kennedy clan. Oprah immediately denied this makes her the new Marilyn.

A researcher declared "The Most Depressing Day of the Year" was the third Monday in January, which he dubbed "Blue Monday." However John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani believe the most depressing day of the year is actually "Super Tuesday."

Spider matrimony

And finally . . . Spider-Man wasn't feeling too super when his 20 year marriage to Mary Jane Watson was erased from Marvel Comics continuity thanks to a deal to save the life of his Aunt May, who is now six hundred years old. Spider-Man's new motto: "With great power comes no responsibility for alimony."

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