Please Advise! Where Do I Sign the Hoekstra Heave-Ho Petition?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

A Calgary woman recently launched a petition asking that U.S. Ambassador to Canada Pete Hoekstra be removed from the country. By Saturday, Lee Walker's petition had already surpassed 200,000 signatures and continues to add on. Green Party Leader Elizabeth May has sponsored the petition and will present it to Parliament this fall.

Will it work?

Signed,

Signatory

Dear Sig,

The Pete-ition lives! The World Cup and the Olympics may have brought Canadians together but this is truly unifying. They should televise it — a 24-hour petition channel. More soothing than the yule log. Even better: a dunk tank.

Will the petition work? Let's put that question aside and skip right to the good part. How will Ambassador Hoekstra's removal from Canada be done? The obvious answer: an Air Canada catering cart. This has now been established as the Trump method of extraction from hostile territory.

After attending a NATO summit in Turkey last month, Donald Trump escaped from Air Force One in a catering van, following reports of a possible threat to the presidential aircraft.

This incident could cause problems for airlines and passengers. From now on, anyone being served an in-flight meal will surely be wondering: “Was Trump ever in this cart?” Airlines may be forced to add allergen-type disclaimers on pretzel packages: “Made in a Trump-free facility.” Passengers who are asked “Would you like the chicken?” may now respond “No thanks, I'm a Democrat.”

The catering van escape was unusual, but there are standard military procedures for dealing with missile threats. One method is for the target to eject flares and chaff to decoy incoming missiles. Trump's chaff included Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, Stephen Miller and members of the press, who were left aboard Clay Pigeon One. Trump did take his caddie with him, though. If that man ever tells what he knows... well, Trump knows a real threat when he sees one.

Hoekstra will need to employ his own diversion strategies. As he zigzags toward the tarmac, he will likely scatter decoy Muslims behind him. Hoekstra has used that tactic before — while serving as ambassador to the Netherlands he was forced to apologize for having made outrageous claims about Muslims burning Dutch politicians. Once at the airport, Ambassador Hoekstra will be bundled up like a sack of frozen chicken tenders and trundled into the cargo bay. He will then be lightly seasoned with paprika and garlic powder and... but no, that would not be appropriate. Nor appetizing.

How many ambassadors have ever succeeded in achieving Hoekstra's level of infamy? In 1967 the Burmese ambassador to Sri Lanka apparently shot his wife and cremated her body on the embassy grounds, refusing police access by claiming it was Burmese territory. Hoekstra may not have killed anyone, but he has repeatedly stabbed the Oxford definition of “diplomat” with a steak knife. Like his fetid overlord, Hoekstra has referred to Canadians as “nasty” and “mean” and also said he does not understand us. Two insults and a compliment — make up your mind, Pete.

At a time when the United States is playing the belligerent bully in trade negotiations, Hoekstra has willingly made himself the obnoxious face of the administration. He seems outraged that Canadians would ever dare to raise a peep about tariffs or threats to sovereignty. Has there ever been a diplomat so utterly obtuse? It perfectly fits the Trump pattern — a crackpot in charge of health, a sycophant in charge of justice, a succession of professional liars in charge of media and, for ambassador to Canada, a man who combines the bark of a sea lion with the charm of a box jellyfish.

Hoekstra once claimed Canadians lack a sense of humour. Not true. We just need a good reason to laugh. Even now, the popcorn is popping. Turn on the Petition Channel!