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Imus Kissed Off, Sanjaya Idoled Off, Harper Buzzed Off

Our fast rewind of April.

By Mark Leiren-Young 1 May 2007 |

Mark Leiren-Young, a Vancouver screenwriter, playwright and journalist, files his "Fast Rewind" summary of the news for The Tyee at the end of every month. Check out his website. Previous Fast Rewinds are here. You can read about Mark's adventures making The Green Chain on his blog.

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Harper, pre-stylist.

American idol Richard Gere kissed off India, Indian idol Sanjaya Malakar got the kiss off from American Idol and Don Imus became an idle American. The bees buzzed off, but The Sopranos returned. Karl Rove lost his e-mails, Alberto Gonzales lost his memory and the former CIA boss found a book deal.

The prime minister hired a psychic, who couldn't predict Canadians would be upset about paying for Steve's hairdresser. Canada's Defense Minister was indefensible. The Canucks shot down the Stars and started Duck hunting.

And scientists discovered that kryptonite is real -- which explains why Superman hasn't saved us yet.

Now let's look back at the fools of April, before Alec Baldwin calls to say goodnight.

ReformaTory greenhouse plan gassed

A government report revealed that the ReformaToriesTM hope to woo votes from the twenty per cent of the Canadian population dubbed, "The Suzuki Nation." Unfortunately, the ReformaTories thought the pollsters were talking about motorcycle riders and released an environmental plan that was immediately condemned by Dr. David Suzuki.

The plan to reduce greenhouse emissions was also attacked by former U.S. president-elect, Al Gore. Gore called the new green plan, "a fraud... designed to mislead the Canadian people." Environment Minister John Baird called Gore, "a sore loser" and said the ReformaTories should be applauded for anything they do, since global warming is a myth and the Kyoto Protocol is a Commie conspiracy to destroy the Canadian economy.

Lost in space

New reports show that UFO sightings in Canada have dropped since Steve Harper was elected Prime Minister -- proving the aliens took one look at the new ReformaTory government and realized they finally had conclusive proof there's no intelligent life here.

ReformaTories admitted they hired a stylist to keep Prime Minister Steve neatly coiffed and to make sure someone reminds him how and when to smile. The former CTV stylist, Michelle Muntean, is also a psychic -- but Steve's communications director denied the prime minister is receiving any psychic advice from his hairdresser, explaining that when the PM wants psychic advice he calls Kreskin.

The ReformaTory government announced plans to spend public money to buy ads to defend Steve's budget in Newfoundland. Steve declared, "It's important to get the facts on the record." After this, the ReformaTories are planning to ask the government to pay for all future attack ads on Stephane Dion.

MP Belinda Stronach crossed the floor of Parliament again -- on her way back to the private sector. Asked to explain her decision to return to running the family business instead of staying in parliament to serve in opposition against what could be Canada's longest serving minority government, Stronach replied, "I just remembered, I'm rich, I don't need this shit."

Law and Order: Special Network Unit

After being fired from his job at MSNBC, shock jock Don Imus was reassigned to the only show on NBC that no one was watching...their weekly hockey broadcasts. Unfortunately, Imus was immediately fired again after referring to the Vancouver Canucks as "nappy headed hosers."

MSNBC hopes to replace Imus with Alec Baldwin.

After declaring Imus too offensive for American sensibilities, NBC News defended their decision to show exclusive tapes of the Virginia Tech killer, telling critics, "You're just jealous he sent them to us."

Liberal critics blamed lax gun control laws for the Virginia Tech shootings, while conservative critics argued that it was obvious the murders were caused by video games and violent television -- explaining that if the killer hadn’t had access to real guns, there’s no telling how many people he would have attacked with his Playstation.

Trembling upper lips

Fifteen British soldiers were released after being held hostage in Iran -- and after they sold their stories to the media, the British government considered sending them all back. One sailor admitted he cried himself to sleep after a guard "kept flicking my neck with his index finger and thumb," stole his iPod and called him "Mr. Bean," proving that Jack Bauer's interrogation techniques really are over the top.

Richard Gere is a wanted man in India after publicly kissing actress Shilpa Shetty on the cheek at an AIDS awareness rally. Gere says he's relieved he didn't stick to his original plan of showing people how AIDS is actually transmitted.

Too much monkey business

In his new book Creation and Evolution, Pope Benedict XVI warns that Darwin's theory of evolution cannot be "scientifically proven" -- unlike the existence of God.

Astronomers discovered a new earth-like planet, and NASA has announced plans to send a Shuttle to explore it...and drill for oil.

U.S. President George Bush's chief political advisor, Karl Rove, claimed that four years of missing e-mails are simply the result of the White House's attempts to be more environmentally friendly. Explained a White House spokesperson, "The delete key is so much handier than a shredder."

Daddy issues

Rolling Stoner, Keith Richards, claimed he was joking when he boasted about snorting his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. Richards admitted that would have been terribly disrespectful to his father and that he actually mixed the ashes with marijuana and smoked them.

Speaking of parenting...Alec Baldwin lost custody of his dignity, when a voice mail to say goodnight to his daughter, Ireland, was broadcast on the Interweb. Following a media firestorm, Baldwin publicly apologized for his naming his daughter, "Ireland."

Actress Daryl Hannah made a splash with her plans to adopt a baby, but immediately lost her status as an A-list actress when she revealed she was planning to adopt the child in America. Hannah's management team is currently working to convince her that the only way to make headlines adopting an American baby is if she takes Anna Nicole's.

Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.

Spiderman the musical is swinging to Broadway. Neil Jordan is working on the project with U2 twosome Bono and The Edge, trying to somehow come up with lyrics that will top: "Is he strong? Listen bud, he's got radioactive blood."

Broadway purists are concerned that a new musical based on a comic book could sully the reputation of the Great White Way by not living up to the standards of such recent classics as, The Lion King, Spamalot and Legally Blonde. No confirmation yet that the musical will star Matthew Broderick as Peter Parker and Nathan Lane as J. Jonah Jameson.

Victoria's Nelly Furtado hosted the 2007 Juno Awards. She also won all of them. Furtado's near sweep was ruined by a surprise upset when Classical Album of the Year went to Mozart: Violin Concerti -- but the rules are being changed so that next year "Like a Bird" will be reclassified as, "a classic."

Toronto launched the world's first gay and lesbian radio station -- which will have pretty much the same play list as every top 40 or dance music station, but much more stylish commercials.

Sanjaya Malakar was finally voted off American Idol. Steve Harper immediately hired his stylist.

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