Although there are still a handful of news days left in 2018, The Tyee has given President Donald Trump some shiny keys to play with. That should keep him occupied until the end of the year. Here then is our final alphabetical wrap-up of the year’s events:
S
Sahara Wall
So many precious gems of stupid get lost in the firehose of idiocy. We must try to hang onto them all. In September, a Spanish cabinet minister revealed that Trump had privately proposed a wall across the Sahara Desert. As they sang in Casablanca, “You must remember this....”
Saudi Arabia
They let women drive now! What a swell bunch of guys. That’s all. Nothing more to see here.
Sault Ste. Marie
Looking for a place to hide from the dystopian future we all know is coming? Think Sault Ste. Marie. That surprising tip emerged from the recent competition to land a new Amazon headquarters. As various North American towns and cities attempted to woo Jeff Bezos with their particular advantages — good schools, safe streets, relatively lead-free water, etc. — a Sault city councillor came up with a unique pitch for his city: a safe haven from the approaching global warming cataclysm. Councillor Matthew Shoemaker, citing a Popular Science website, insisted that the Sault will remain largely untouched by global warming while other locales suffer. Amazon ended up choosing to go elsewhere. But the Soo will have the last laugh when fire and flood consume the continent and the Sault Ste. Marie Greyhounds are winning all their games by default.
Second Civil War
You’ve already forgotten the Second Civil War? Kids. They don’t know their history anymore.
Sedins
There’s more to the NHL than winning the Stanley Cup, thank goodness. The Sedins’ final game in Vancouver last spring ranks with the great moments in team history. In every way these guys are the best.
Speaker
On the authority of B.C. Speaker of the House Darryl Plecas, Legislature Clerk Craig James and Sergeant-at-Arms Gary Lenz were marched out of the building and put on administrative leave last month. What followed was... so far, bupkes. But Plecas insists big news is pending. He even promised to resign if the coming revelations don’t make the public “throw up.” That’s bold. Let’s be clear: mere nausea will not cut it. It’s full-on puke or bye-bye Darryl. Stay tuned.
Squi
What is a Squi? We’re not sure. We know it likes beer (aka “skis”). It is thought to possess a poor memory. Its typical habitat is Tobin’s house, and also Timmy’s. Whatever it is, it also has friends in very high places.
The Sun
Instead of always fighting Bond super-villains, why don’t we try to harness their ideas for good?
T
Tariffs
Trump doesn’t get tariffs. He doesn’t understand their effects. He lacks even a basic understanding of what they are and how they work. So what is Trump’s favourite thing? You guessed it. “I am a Tariff Man,” Trump tweeted this month, sending stock markets into the kind of plunge that makes Bitcoin look safe. The Stable Genius strikes again.
Thai Cave Kids
Hey, a happy story! A soccer team trapped deep inside a watery cave was rescued after a long and daring operation. One rescuer died but the kids were saved. Some people blamed the coach for the whole thing. Others blamed Canucks defenceman Derek Pouliot, just out of force of habit.
Time Travel
Hypothetical question: Would it be ethical to travel back in time and interrupt the conception of Baby Mark Burnett before he creates “The Apprentice?”
Toronto Attacks
A disturbed loner with a gun in the Danforth and a disturbed loner with a van on Yonge Street added up to a bad year for Toronto the Good.
U
Uber
Betting on the number of days before Uber arrives in B.C.? Don’t take the under.
Ukraine
Russia is once again bullying its neighbour with military action and economic blockades. But never fear! The international community will rise up to spit defiance at Vladimir Putin and... oh, never mind.
UN
No, Mr. President, they weren’t laughing with you.
V
Vision Vancouver
They’re gone like Blockbuster. But as with that other doomed brand, it’s not so much the content that’s changed — just the delivery systems.
Voter Suppression
It was big in Georgia, whereas in North Carolina the GOP quite apparently opted for out-and-out electoral fraud. As the Republican motto goes: If you’re not cheating, you’re not really trying.
W
Wine War
In war there is no litre given, neither Merlot nor mercy. As the Trans Mountain Pipeline dispute heated up, Alberta Premier Rachel Notley threatened to turn off the taps and starve B.C. of oil. B.C. threatened a wine boycott in response. Wait till Alberta sommeliers are reduced to adding red food colouring to Budweiser, we said. Meanwhile the rest of the country faced the terrible choice of choosing sides between a bunch of obnoxious hipsters and a crowd of loudmouth rednecks. Fun fact: did you know that the Italian word for a wine bottle is “fiasco?”
World Cup
Remember, it’s the journey, not the destination — especially when the destination is Vladimir Putin’s ‘hood. But by all accounts ordinary Russians proved to be great World Cup hosts, and although the great tournament’s ultimate destination was a somewhat anti-climactic final match (won by France), the journey offered the usual cavalcade of thrills and great moments. Unless you were cheering for Germany. Hey, maybe those guys should switch to hockey now.
X
“X” on a driver’s license
In British Columbia, you now have an option other than “M” or “F.”
Xi Jinping
On March 11, China’s Xi Jin Ping made himself President for Life. B.C. voters who found the huge municipal ballot overwhelming and the electoral referendum ballot confusing will certainly envy the Chinese — they don’t have those sort of problems.
Y
Wai Young
Those of us who ride bikes know that lots of people really dislike cyclists. But apparently not enough people to get a certain somebody elected mayor. Sorry, Wai. We’ll try to dial up the obnoxious.
Z
Zhang Zhang and Hua Hua
On January 24 Chinese scientists announced they had cloned a pair of macaque monkeys which they named Zhang Zhang and Hua Hua, the first primates ever cloned using the somatic cell procedure that produced Dolly the Sheep in 1996.
But that was just a prelude to more serious genetic monkeying around. In November, another Chinese scientist named He Jiankui announced he had edited the genes of unborn twin girls using a different process called CRISPR. Scientists expressed alarm. However, there is little chance that genetically modified super humans will roam the planet ruthlessly exterminating biologically inferior specimens. At least not in 2019. Enjoy that martini.
Ryan Zinke
Finally, a big tip o’ The Tyee cap to Ryan Zinke for providing our year-end review with that rare bonus, a second “Z” entry. The former U.S. Interior Secretary recently became the latest swamp thing to go down the Washington drain. Like Scott Pruitt, Zinke managed to corrupt so hard that even the man whose entire presidential campaign was probably a ploy to get a Moscow Trump Tower couldn’t keep him around. So Zinke has fallen right through the bottom of the alphabet, down, down into the oozing slurry of sleaze that will eventually swallow everything and everyone in this depraved, pustular rat pack. A fitting end to a year that will soon give way, God willing, to the Year of Mueller.
Happy New Year from everyone at The Tyee!
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