The Steve Burgess Guide to 2018: E to J

2018 was the Year of the Dog. Can’t say we weren’t warned. Part two of The Tyee’s annual alphabetical review:

E

Elias Pettersson

More goals, more great plays, more consonants! On nights when the Vancouver Canucks aren’t playing, couldn’t they loan him to some other team so we can watch him every night?

Emails

Ivanka Trump used a personal email server for government business. Previously considered a transgression so grave as to make the Manson Family murders look like stealing office supplies, it has now been revealed to be a matter of no consequence whatsoever. Move along.

Enemies of the People

Jim Acosta, for one; April Ryan, for another; Crooked Hillary, the Obamas, Justin Trudeau, Jeff Sessions, James Comey, Omarosa Manigault, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, Meryl Streep, Europe, the Deep State, tax returns, strong winds, rain, stairs, umbrellas, facts, spelling, grammar, objective reality... and oh yeah, some guy named Mueller.

EPA

Even in the thoroughly, shamelessly corrupt U.S. administration, EPA chief Scott Pruitt stood out — the LeBron James of alleged venality and ineptitude. This is a man who spent $43,000 on a soundproof phone booth, reportedly used sirens to clear traffic on his way to meetings, and pocketed a $50,000 tip from a friendly billionaire. But the truly shocking part was that he somehow managed to lose his job. Maybe Pruitt was acting too smug about his normal-sized fingers. As for Pruitt’s replacement at the EPA, his goal will surely be to eliminate graft and corruption from the ongoing rape of the environment.

F

Facebook

That site you visit just before checking Snopes.com.

Ronan Farrow

Mr. Farrow on line two, sir. Shall I tell him you’re dead?

Forget

Remember the jaw-dropping Trump tweets of January? The appalling appearances of July? The festering feuds of August? Probably not. You remember this week’s atrocities, maybe last week’s. That’s about it. It’s like Lucy and Ethel wrapping chocolates on the conveyor belt — they just don’t stop. You can’t concentrate on the chocolates of 15 seconds ago. There are too many, coming too fast. Hey, remember Trump on Hurricane Florence — “One of the wettest we’ve seen, from the standpoint of water?” Remember when he said “With oil you can just bomb the oil pipeline... that’s the end of it... [but] with coal, that stuff is indestructible.” Remember this Jan. 6 classic: “Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, very smart... I think that would qualify as not smart but genius. And a very stable genius at that.”

Never mind. He’s about to say something else.

Freeland, Chrystia

A rising minister in Canadian politics. And all she had to do was spend the year juggling poisonous, flaming chainsaws. Nice.

G

Gas

What you put in your vehicle if you can afford it; also, what you use on children if you can’t cage them.

George Soros

Stub your toe? Monster zit before a big date? Special investigator closing in on your criminal buddies? Cry: SOROS! The prominent Jewish philanthropist has become an all-powerful Satan for 4chan fringers, QAnon crazies, and the President of the United States. Trump has said he “wouldn’t be surprised” if Soros funded the so-called “caravan” of Central American migrants, and insinuated he was behind anti-Brett Kavanaugh protests. Soros even received one of the mailed pipe bombs sent by Trump uber-fan Cesar Sayoc, and Hungary’s wannabe tyrant Viktor Orban threw the Soros-funded Central European University out of the country. As twisted tributes go, those are not bad.

Gritty

Everyone’s favourite nightmare, and more proof people are desperate for things that haven’t been focus-grouped to death.

Guns

Remember: the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, who is then shot by another good guy with a gun who thought he was a bad guy with a gun because he was a black guy with a gun. Honest mistake.

H

Hanukkah

This annual Jewish festival celebrates a miracle from the second century BCE, when a supply of oil that was supposed to last for one day ended up lasting eight days. Hope you enjoyed the celebration. However, Alberta Premier Rachel Notley would like to remind you not to get any ideas.

Senator Kamala Harris

The 46th President of the United States, it says here.

Hope Hicks

Hope abandoned the White House a long time ago. Hicks left in March.

Huawei

Hockey players talk about something called a “suicide pass.” That’s when the recipient of a bad pass is left vulnerable to a crushing bodycheck. Or let’s say one country passes an arrest warrant to another country, which is then left wide-open to a brutal and ugly retaliation. By the way, Chinese cell company Huawei is proud to be one of the sponsors of Hockey Night in Canada. They know the game.

I

ICBC

To be clear, the Insurance Corporation of British Columbia does not offer coverage for dumpster fires. That might pose a conflict of interest.

Immigration

America is the land of opportunity, where immigrants can come and work hard so that someday their children and their children’s children can get jobs at Fox News and blame immigrants for all of America’s problems.

Individual 1

That’s a good thing, right? #1! The best. Incredible.

I Really Don’t Care, Do U?

There was a thing for a while where people felt sorry for poor Melania Trump. That’s pretty much over now. Say one thing for her controversial “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” jacket, though — at least it’s one quote she didn’t steal from Michelle Obama.

Iraqi Dinar

It’s been a tough year. So many depressing stories. Every once in awhile you just want a little ray of sunshine, a reason to smile amid all the gloom. Here you go. You’re welcome.

J

Jamal Khashoggi

Khashoggi, a Washington Post columnist and prominent critic of the Saudi government, was murdered inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, a slaughter recorded on audiotape. Trump said he didn’t listen to the recording. Trump’s National Security Advisor John Bolton said he hadn’t listened to it either. “Unless you speak Arabic, what are you going to get from it?” said Bolton. Trump eventually responded to the murder by thanking the Saudis for low oil prices.

Jordan Peterson

Canada’s bestselling intellectual, as hot as a boiled lobster. Another Canadian gift to the world, alongside Justin Bieber, Conrad Black, poutine and Nickelback. (Sorry, Ryan Reynolds).

Tomorrow on The Tyee... Steve’s Burgess’s 2018 from A to Z continues. And a reminder to readers that comments are closed over the holiday break until we return in 2019. Thanks for all the thoughtful comments this year!