The Steve Burgess Guide to 2018: K to R

This is part three of a four-part series. 2018 was like that too—sort of a middle chapter in an ongoing saga. Sometimes these middle chapters are the best. Sometimes.

K

Brett Kavanaugh

To paraphrase Brett Kavanaugh’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee: I like beer. Put me on the Supreme Court, you lying, partisan scumbags. And they did. Kavanaugh may be the first U.S. Supreme Court justice who can’t eat in restaurants.

Korea

In February, South Korea hosted the planet’s elite competitors at the Winter Olympics. Meanwhile on an even bigger stage, North Korea was competing in the world’s biggest game of chicken. Kim Jong Un mopped the floor with his opponent. But then, it was like a chess match between Dr. Evil and Mr. Bean.

L

Lit

As Premier John Horgan says, if you were lit, you’d be more woke. Wait, that’s not it... how does it go again?

LNG

Remember when Robin Thicke had a hit with “Blurred Lines” and then got sued because it sounded too much like “Got to Give it Up” by Marvin Gaye? In politics, it doesn’t work that way. You can’t sue when someone else sings your song. Just ask Christy Clark.

M

Marijuana

On the Canadian calendar, April 20 fell on Oct. 17 this year. Marijuana is legal now. Just think of all the wasted effort by government and law enforcement authorities over the years, trying to stop people from smoking pot. It turns out all they had to do was legalize it and let the government control licensing and distribution. Now almost nobody can get their hands on the stuff.

Mars

Elon Musk says he expects to live there someday. Let’s hope Kanye doesn’t mind neighbours.

Mistakes

They were made.

Mitch McConnell

Theory: U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell once had a jawline like Christopher Reeve until weapons-grade hypocrisy began to melt his face.

Money Laundering

Vancouverites love it when we finish on top of one of those global lists. Wooooo!

Mummies

After the July discovery of a sarcophagus that contained skeletons and a mysterious red liquid, Egyptian authorities were forced to deny Internet rumours that the substance was a magical “elixir of life.” WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU’D EXPECT THEM TO SAY.

N

Nigeria

We’re just going to say this once: the president of Nigeria did NOT die and get replaced by a Sudanese clone. So just get that idea out of your head right now. (However, the gay frogs are real.)

Normalcy

The word “normalcy” didn’t really take on its current meaning until U.S. president Warren G. Harding, not known for his good grammar, publicly used the word instead of the more proper “normality.” Thus in 1920, a U.S. president created “normalcy.” Ninety-eight years later, another president spends almost every waking hour destroying it.

O

Obama Porn

You know you want it.

Olympics

South Korea hosted the XXIII Winter Olympics in February. Thanks in part to skiers and skaters, Canada took 29 medals and finished third, our best ever Olympic performance. Ice dancers Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue became probably the most famous Canadian athletes since Wayne Gretzky. Canadians tried desperately to remember all that as the women’s hockey team fell to their hated American rivals in the finals and the men’s team lost a semi-final game to Germany. Germany. In hockey. Gott in himmel. Ach du lieber.

Opioids

They continue to cause death and misery. The possibility that they may also be helping to cause Vancouver’s affordability crisis is just added insult.

Otter

Vancouver’s latest media superstar found its way into the Dr. Sun-Yat Sen Garden and turned it into the city’s most expensive all-you-can-eat sushi bar. Officials came up with plans to deal with the Chinatown Otter. But the traps didn’t work. The back-up plan seemed to involve allowing the otter to stuff itself with koi until morbid obesity set in. Eventually the surviving fish were relocated and the otter left, probably for Hollywood. The garden will be restocked — maybe with otters, if there’s a vote.

P

Poison

Novichok, polonium 210, Gelsemium — many poisons, one likely poisonous source. The attack on fugitive spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Salisbury, England using Novichok in a phony perfume bottle killed one person and, according to British authorities, had the potential to kill thousands. Vladimir Putin responded to the attempted murder of Skripal by saying “He just a scumbag, that’s all.” He would certainly know.

Polls

Apparently you can be a profoundly ignorant, racist, narcissistic grifter and a reliable public embarrassment with the morals of a tapeworm without ever falling below about 37 per cent in U.S. popularity polls. Hillary Clinton referred to a segment of Trump supporters as a “basket of deplorables,” but we know now it’s not a basket — it’s the fucking Grand Canyon.

Putin

He won the presidential election. No, the Russian one this time.

Q

The Mighty Quinn (Hughes)

The Next Great Hope. (Canucks fans get one per year). And if the team can keep tanking and finally get some lottery luck, Jack Hughes could complete the Canucks’ next big brother act. Lose for Hughes!

QAnon

They don’t like being called “Deplorables,” so “Deranged Dimwits” probably won’t go over well either. But hey, if the “Q” fits...

The Queen

RIP Aretha.

R

Rakes

Dopey the Bear says: Only you can prevent forest fires!

Referendum

Informed B.C. voters faced a tough choice between voting to enable fascism or voting to perpetuate the racist patriarchy.

Seth Rogen

When Morgan Freeman’s #MeToo moment caused TransLink to drop him as a celebrity SkyTrain announcer, Rogan (at the suggestion of Vancouver Sun reporter Stephanie Ip) agreed to fill in. It must have been sweet revenge for Rogen after Freeman had beaten him out for the role of Nelson Mandela years earlier.

Elsewhere in Seth Rogen news: He shaved last month. And there was a great disturbance in The Force.

Romaine lettuce

The romaine lettuce recall has now ended. Happily, President Trump did not decide to declare war on Romania.

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Tomorrow on The Tyee… Steve’s Burgess’s 2018 from A to Z continues. And a reminder to readers that comments are closed over the holiday break until we return in 2019. Thanks for all the thoughtful comments this year!