Please Advise! What to Make of the US Midterms?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The U.S. midterm elections have delivered a powerful rebuke to Donald Trump and the Republican Party. The Democratic blue wave hit big. The Democrats now control both the House and Senate, and state governorships even in the likes of Georgia and Texas.

Are you pleased?

Signed,

Nemesis

Dear Sis,

It could not vote, but this was a big win for Lake Ontario. As of today, the real Lake America now stretches right across the U.S. map — blue as far as the eye can see.

It was a rotten night for a lot of rotten people. JD Vance, who accused immigrants of eating cats and dogs, has now been served a dish of crow by his home state. Ohio sent a Democrat to the Senate. Plus, Democrat Amy Acton is now Ohio governor-elect, having defeated Vivek Ramaswamy, who did go home with the consolation prize of Most Despicable TV Ad. He gets a little trophy shaped like Stephen Miller and a lovely assortment of frosted possum pellets.

Texas GOP Senate candidate Ken Paxton, a bipedal smorgasbord of corruption, malfeasance, criminality, intolerance, immorality and idiocy, actually managed to lose. A Republican. In Texas. This is a state where you expect Republicans would vote for Steve Bannon's tapeworms. But Paxton? Nope. Too much.

And it didn't stop there. Texas governor Greg Abbott, faithful champion of Donald Trump, abortion bans, concealed weapons, thoughts and prayers, chemical polluters, homophobia and religious indoctrination, the man who pardoned the murderer of a Black Lives Matter protester, the man who put under-dressed migrants on buses and dropped them off in the snowy north, finally discovered that his winsome charm and immigrant bashing had somehow lost their appeal. Democrat Gina Hinojosa put his ass on the Buh-Bye Bus. Thoughts and prayers, Greg. Now piss off.

Trump really thought he could keep the magic going. He was out there stumping, in his own inimitable way. Ludicrous scare stories about trans people, weird remarks about men's asses, the usual personal smears, and of course, more racist bile. He said Michigan's ultimately victorious Abdul El-Sayed would be the first Senator who has to go through a metal detector. This, from the guy who incited the worst act of domestic terrorism the U.S. Capitol has ever seen.

Once upon a time Republicans used racist dog whistles on the campaign trail. Trump doesn't do dog whistles. He prefers racist kazoos. Trump is a racist table saw slicing through a steel pipe. He's a racist hail storm on a rented U-Haul.

Did Trump's tactics work? Like a dead rat on a buffet table. He was like a new Bond villain, Turdfinger — his stink was lethal. You may recall that Trump once promoted an AI video of himself in which he was shown dumping raw sewage on American protesters. Replace those protesters with GOP candidates, and the clip looks like a documentary.

We don't know what will happen now with Trump's tariffs but here's some good news for the economy: Elon Musk spent half a billion dollars making nasty and ultimately futile ads for Republicans. Thanks for the economic stimulus, bruh. Next time, build a hospital or something.

Will this result change things? Pundits love to talk about the “Overton window” (named for political scientist Joseph Overton), the shifting estimation of where the American political mainstream lies. Certain figures, like JFK or Reagan, are said to have moved the window to the left or right.

Trump has moved it down — straight to the gutter. Trump has stripped American politics of decency, dignity, integrity and any vestige of character. Can America go back? Can the excrement be squeezed back up the colon?

As vile as Trump has been, this election seemed to be more about pocketbook issues. It illustrates a new American political axiom: If you're a racist sexual predator and narcissistic psychopath who disgraces and demeans the presidency every single day, your popularity may suffer from high gas prices.

Whatever the reason, it was a huge night for the Democrats. Maybe they could build themselves a big triumphal arch or something.

As for Trump, his beautiful ballroom will now be a bunker. The enemy is closing in.

Now it's up to Democrats to get their act together. Two years from now, there's a chance to scrape those golden Dollarama doodads off the Oval Office wall. Don't blow it, folks.