Please Advise! Two Elections? How Do I Find My Way?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

With provincial and municipal campaigns coinciding, I am confused about the various issues. I am unsure of who does what. Which election campaigns properly deal with which questions?

Signed,

Addled

Dear Addled,

Some confusion is understandable.

Basically, provincial jurisdiction includes some taxation, criminal law, prisons, hospitals, schools, licensing and human rights.

Municipal authority extends to infrastructure, sewer, urban traffic enforcement, parking, planning and development, property taxes, public utilities, parks, local policing and firefighting.

If you want a new school, that’s provincial. If you are unhappy with garbage collection, that's the city. If you feel that society has been in a steady decline ever since season seven of The Waltons when Grandpa died, that may be a matter for the United Nations.

In this country, there are some jurisdictional overlaps. Say you get food poisoning from a bad shrimp taco. The federal government regulates food safety. The B.C. health ministry also handles some aspects of food regulation. Meanwhile the city inspects restaurants and retail premises.

If, just as your intestines are being wrung out like a wet towel, your toilet backs up, sewage issues are municipal. But perhaps the bad plumbing is your landlord’s fault. That's provincial. Should you have even ordered the shrimp, with your allergies? Your partner should have warned you. That's your failed marriage — a provincial jurisdiction. Your loud squabbling night after night that leads to complaints from neighbours trying to sleep? A police matter. Municipal.

But the taco truck is run by immigrants. Pierre Poilievre would never have allowed it to happen. That’s federal. Vote Conservative.

Are your personal failings really your own responsibility? Aren’t most of them really caused by David Eby? The policies of the B.C. government have caused considerable stress. It’s understandable that this stress would lead you to bad decisions, like that time you showed up drunk for a trapeze lesson or challenged the Devil to a fiddling contest.

Do something about it. Vote for change and, if you are in Alberta, separation. Things can only get better. Be advised that following Alberta and/or Quebec separation, all responsibility for negative outcomes pertaining to the economy, health care and quality of life will remain with Ottawa.

If you have been overcome with a sense of horror at the true nature of the electorate as revealed by the election and subsequent reelection to the Oval Office of an ambulatory bucket of debauchery, corruption and narcissistic imbecility apparently slathered in pumpkin spice flavour crystals, bad news — that falls outside Canadian jurisdiction. Same with gas prices.

The issue of whether humanity should be enslaved by AI overlords is allegedly the responsibility of Sam Altman, Dario Amodei and Elon Musk. Actually, it’s up to Claude. We must wait upon his pleasure.

Questions concerning the terrors that dwell in the Underworld are the province of Cthulhu the Dread. Those gripped by his horrid, slimy tentacles and stuffed greedily into his crab-like maw are asked to submit all queries in writing.

The question of why there is evil in the world falls under the jurisdiction of God.

Questions about the existence of God should be addressed to the Void.

The Void does not publish contact information. The mayor of the Void is rumoured to be Zurvan, master of infinite time and space. No election is currently scheduled. There seem to be no term limits.

But please don't forget to vote. Remember, you can't complain about the vile, grasping tentacles of Cthulhu if you don’t vote.