Please Advise! What’s Ahead for Election 2025?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD. in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The federal election is April 28. What's going to happen?

Signed,

Pop Corn

Dear PC,

First of all, it will be two minutes for elbowing. Then another two, and another two, until April 28. Certainly Mark Carney will not be called for delay of game — he wasted no time dropping the writ for this face-off. Let the misconducts commence.

At this key moment in Canadian history, Dr. Steve, naturally, is in Tokyo. He has met many Americans here. In every case Dr. Steve has promptly put his elbows up. But the Yanks don't get it — they seem to think it's some sort of Canadian greeting. It's clear that Mike Myers' message at the close of the Saturday Night Live 50th anniversary show, the “Elbows up” gesture that galvanized the country, escaped American notice completely. That was some damn fine code work by Canada's best-known spy.

The campaign will certainly be run on Canadian fear and anger about our threatened sovereignty. As if Donald Trump's threats were not enough, Canadians now have to wonder whether Hudson's Bay is in danger of being re-branded the Gulf of Walmart. With our identity at stake, it's feeling like a wartime election.

Carney scored early when the Liberals released an ad co-starring the prime minister and Myers at a hockey rink. It features Carney giving Myers a quiz to test his Canadian-ness. After all, Myers is a Hollywood star, so his national knowledge is in question. And who better to test it than the former governor of the Bank of England? Myers should have responded with a Mary Poppins quiz.

Some may wonder why Myers appeared with Carney rather than Pierre Poilievre. The obvious answer is that Poilievre still does not have security clearance. Austin Powers is not authorized to deal with him.

International intrigue is already proving to be a factor in the young campaign. A recent interview granted by Alberta Premier Danielle Smith to right-wing site Breitbart has made news as Smith urged a delay on tariffs until after the election. “The longer this dispute goes on, politicians posture, and it seems to be benefiting the Liberals right now,” Smith said. “So I would hope that we could put things on pause is what I’ve told administration officials... so we can get through an election.” Later in the interview, Smith said of Poilievre: “I would say, on balance, the perspective that Pierre would bring would be very much in sync with, I think… the new direction in America.”

Ah yes, the new direction in America. It appears to be the same one AC/DC sang about. And there is Smith on the roadside with her thumb out and a sign saying “Going my way?”

With friends like Smith, Poilievre will be desperate for enemies. And in fact he has been trying to acquire some, claiming loudly that Trump is his mortal foe. Trump has responded by pretending to endorse Carney. It all sounds about as convincing as when Harry and Sally pretend they're not in love.

But never mind. Poilievre will hit the trail hard. He'll hammer Trudeau on the carbon tax. He'll attack Trudeau with fabulous new rhymes like Trudeau, Trudeau, Gotta Go, Trudeau, Trudeau Vertigo, Trudeau Not So Apropos, Trudeau in the Polls So Low.

Then the bedside alarm will go off, he will wake up, and remember. And sigh. And start rhyming. Carney, blarney, barmy — it's just not the same.