Please Advise! What's With the Easter Bunny?

Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a Ph.D in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.

Dear Dr. Steve,

An Ontario Superior Court judge recently ruled that a Hamilton couple were within their rights to deny the reality of the Easter Bunny.

Frances and Derek Baars had taken the Children's Aid Society of Hamilton to court after two young foster children were taken out of their care. Citing their strong Christian faith, the couple refused to tell the little girls that the Easter Bunny was real. The Hamilton Children's Aid Society removed the girls from the home on the grounds that the Baars were allowing their religious beliefs to interfere with their role as foster parents.

Superior Court Judge A.J. Goodman sided with the Baars against the Hamilton Children's Aid Society, ruling that the children should not have been removed. What do you think of the decision?

Signed,
Agnostic

Dear Aggie,

Dr. Steve has never discussed this very personal issue before, but this seems to be the time. Dr. Steve was raised in the Bunny faith and remains a devout Bunnytarian. As such, your faithful spin doctor could be excused for feeling some secret joy at this victory for his religion. Let cold and relentless April showers fall upon those who would deny divine leporine truth.

Believe me, it was not easy being a young Bunnytarian. Over the years our family struggled with persecution, as well as owls. After school we would hop from door to door in our one-piece jumpers, just like the Apostle Peter, handing out eggs and spreading our pellets of joy. Oh, how we were mocked. Our tormenters claimed that Easter was about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We kids would explain as best we could that this was nonsense. What could Jesus possibly have to do with baskets full of painted or creme eggs? It made no sense. But they just jeered and pelted us with brightly coloured tinfoil. Then one year our Christian neighbours stood helplessly watching as their house burned down. I'm not saying we were smug about it but I can tell you we weren't the first to call the fire department either. EB's will be done, was our thinking about it.

Neighbours also accused us of promoting licentious sexual activity. For the record, Bunnytarians believe in large families. It is important to our faith since many Bunnytarians are martyred by coyotes, hawks, and so on. Got to keep the numbers up.

Still others claimed that all such religious beliefs, ours and everybody else's, were mere superstition. Again, wrong. Answer me this: How can a rabbit lay chocolate eggs? Evolution? Please.

To be clear, while Dr. Steve is naturally offended that the two Baars refuse to acknowledge the Easter Bunny, it strikes him as somewhat ridiculous that the Hamilton Children's Aid Society would decide to favour one deity over another. We devout Bunnytarians freely admit that others have a right to their beliefs, however ridiculous they might seem. We even grudgingly accept the heretical marshmallow peeps sect. As for the world's major religions, well, if they want to pay tribute to some ridiculous supernatural entity, be our guest. We will continue to hop along the path of truth.

Besides, this court decision should not be allowed to divide people of faith. Bunnytarians and conservative Christians should unite. After all, we Bunnytarians believe in healthy, vigorous sex lives. And evangelical Christians support Donald Trump. It is great to see our Christian friends finally embracing rampant promiscuity. These days we are grazing on common ground. (Although frankly we don't understand the whole non-disclosure thing. No rabbit president, whether Roger or Jessica, would seek to hide their essential bunny nature.)

Beliefs are personal. In Spain and France, children are told to put their teeth under the pillow so that a little mouse can trade them for money or candy. Believers in the Tooth Fairy have yet to wage holy war against those countries, but it would be interesting to see if the Hamilton CAS would choose a side. That organization clearly believes it is the right of all children to believe in imaginary beings, which is fair enough. But as the Superior Court ruled, they shouldn't get to choose which ones.