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Life
Rights + Justice

So You Want to Be a US Supreme Court Justice

Elena Kagan's try for the job goes to vote today in Congress. First, she had to fill out this form.

Chris Cannon 5 Aug 2010TheTyee.ca

Chris Cannon is a Vancouver writer. Read his previous Tyee pieces here.
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Supreme nominee Kagan: 'Smoochy' position?

Congratulations on your nomination for United States Supreme Court Justice. To streamline the process and avoid contentious confirmation hearings, please fill out the following application.

With which law school are you affiliated?
a) Yale
b) Harvard
c) Columbia
d) Other

In what way would you bring diversity to the Supreme Court?
a) I am a woman
b) I am a visible minority
c) Both a) and b)
d) I tan well

What aesthetic deficiencies might make you a target of partisan attacks?
a) Weight problem
b) Height problem
c) Excessive mustache (women)
d) Insufficient mustache (men)

What might reflect poorly on your character during the nomination process?
a) Former oil company lobbyist
b) Secret affair with intern
c) Secret affair with oil company lobbyist
d) I own the Hannah Montana box set

What do you like best about the Constitution?
a) The gun parts
b) The gay parts
c) It's all good
d) Fixing it

If you could add one item to the Constitution, what would it be?
a) The right to keep and bear more things
b) Quiz restrictions on Facebook
c) A more marketable title
d) An index

Would you be willing to participate in the Court's "Wacky Robe Friday"?
a) Yes
b) No

What are your views on the death penalty?
a) I support the death penalty
b) I do not support the death penalty
c) I enjoyed Death to Smoochy
c) I am against death in all its forms

Do you favor gun control?
a) Yes
b) No
c) It is wrong to infringe on a gun's constitutional rights
d) Only for Dick Cheney

What best describes your views on same-sex marriage?
a) It is a matter for the states
b) It is a matter for the feds
c) Gays have the right to be as miserable as the rest of us
d) Gays do not have the right to be as miserable as the rest of us

What are your views on the separation of church and state?
a) We are a Christian nation
b) We are a secular nation
c) We should skirt the issue by referring to Christian ideology as "the moral center"
d) They are a constant disruption and should not be allowed to sit next to each other

Please choose the abortion stance that describes you best:
a) Pro-choice
b) Anti-Abortion
c) Only in cases in which the mother's life is threatened
d) Only in cases in which my nomination is threatened

Do you have Oprah's support?
a) Yes
b) I withdraw my application
[Tyee]

Read more: Rights + Justice

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