Please Advise! Is Everyone Going to Freak out Now?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am feeling pretty isolated right now. Any thoughts on the current state of affairs re: COVID-19?

Yours,

Distanced

Dear Isolated,

If there was a test for cabin fever Dr. Steve guesses it would be an epidemic this month. Events are disappearing from the calendar as more people and organizations take the responsible course of action. Things have been happening — or not happening — so fast that TV news stories about cancelled events have been followed by ads for those same events. Cancel culture has suddenly taken on a very different meaning.

Most people are behaving pretty well. Dr. Steve notes that a public crisis is like fame — it tends to highlight a person's pre-existing qualities. Thus you have some following the rules, observing social distancing, washing their hands regularly, repeating useful information from legitimate authorities, and reaching out to help vulnerable communities.

And you have others reselling hand sanitizer at exorbitant mark-ups, talking about culling the weak as a benefit to society, not to mention Alex Jones selling magic toothpaste.

Remember, the coronavirus doesn't attack your moral compass — if it is malfunctioning now, you probably had a lemon to begin with.

Decent people get it. For the most part people are behaving responsibly. Dr. Steve imagines that even Kevin Bacon must finally see that a dancing ban is just common sense. Meanwhile, six degrees of separation is close enough for comfort now.

Citizens are struggling to adapt to frightening new realities. But even the shallow and callous will be forced to find new routines. Ferrari and Lamborghini both recently announced they were halting production. So how does one create a flashy show of wealth in 2020? A truly ostentatious display might not involve a sports car or a yacht, but rather TPing someone's front yard.

We are getting very close to a Charmin-based economy. There is even a certain logic to panic buying of TP right now. After all, if everyone else is panic buying you may very well have to act quickly if you want to be, shall we say, sitting pretty. As a Tyee reader commented, these are the end times.

For the time being you can't throw your cash around in a B.C. casino — Adrian Dix announced they would be closed as of Monday. Happily, the stock market has really stepped up to fill the gap.

Some Americans seem to have misinterpreted self-isolation as putting themselves inside a sort of information quarantine that contains only Fox News. Or perhaps they were just ahead of the curve. Give them credit, President Trump and his supporters are old hands at putting themselves inside an impervious bubble. If only viruses were as easy to avoid as facts.

The NHL is on hold, which has helped the Canucks' recent goals-against average at least. Alarmists say we may well be heading to a new era in which every pro sports league essentially becomes a variation on Battle Bots. But Dr. Steve has faith that one day we will once again know the sweet joy of screaming at the TV that the Canucks' defence looks like it fell out of a clown car. Have faith.

Everyone is suffering together. Sports fans were hit hard and just when bookworms were tempted to get smug the Vancouver Public Library closed. Even skiers were knocked on their butts when Whistler/Blackcomb and Cypress Mountain shut down. At least the sun came out this week, so you can perhaps spend your afternoons frying ants with a magnifying glass.

Not even St. Patrick's Day has been spared. In past years March 17 and social distancing have gone together like W.C. Fields and water. But in 2020 the City of Vancouver is marking the Irish celebration by closing bars and restaurants in the downtown core, thereby creating something of a medical breakthrough — the first time in history that staying home alone with a six-pack of Guinness and a bottle of Irish whiskey has ever been considered a public health measure.

As for medical advice, Dr. Steve reminds you during this international emergency that he is only an internet doctor. He is therefore perfectly qualified to sell you a virus-destroying foot rub, but not to offer any detailed guidelines.

Here is what I can say with confidence because it’s what real doctors at public health agencies decree: Do practice social distancing. And self-isolate for 14 days if you have travelled anywhere outside of Canada or live with, provided care for or spent much time with someone who has tested positive for COVID-19 or is suspected to have it, or shows symptoms including fever, cough or shortness of breath that started within 14 days of travel outside of Canada.

In fact Dr. Steve would like to see the government nationalize HBO, Netflix, Disney Plus, and other services in order to preserve general sanity while preventing further human interaction. Just remember to avoid Tom Hanks movies.