Please Advise! Will the Epstein Files Finish Trump?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

As pages of emails are released from the Epstein files, the story is dominating the U.S. political scene. Epstein, the convicted sex trafficker who apparently committed suicide in prison in 2019, had relationships with scores of influential people, including Bill Clinton and Donald Trump. Conspiracy theories have run rampant on both sides of the political spectrum.

What do think the whole files will reveal, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Breathless

Dear Breathless,

There is one thing the Epstein emails have revealed without question: some atrocious spelling and terrible grammar.

When considered in the light of the many lives Epstein destroyed, these are of course misdemeanours.

But Epstein’s idiosyncratic communication style has already led to some bizarre results and at least one Saturday Night Live joke. It focused on an email exchange between Epstein and his brother Mark, asking whether Vladimir Putin had photos of Trump “blowing Bubba.” Since “Bubba” was an old nickname for Clinton, icky speculation ran rampant. Certainly, the resulting mental image could be sold as a wonderful weight-loss solution — it could take away your appetite faster than Ozempic.

For years now, the Epstein files have been a multi-purpose political weapon, a Swiss Army knife of scandal, offering all things to all people.

MAGA types have screamed for their release, believing they will reveal the horrific crimes of Clinton and other Democrats. Opponents of Trump have pointed to the photos and videos of Trump and Epstein together and Epstein’s own description of Trump as his erstwhile “best friend.”

The latter group has been the loudest in recent months, certain that Trump is desperate to hide evidence of his crimes. Everything Trump does — every outrage, every attack, every burbling burst of idiocy — is identified by opponents as a distraction from the Epstein files.

Dr. Steve does not know what is in those files. There might be shocking pictures of Trump and various kids, including the four-legged variety.

But Dr. Steve has been somewhat puzzled by all the Epstein focus. Why are Trump’s activities a distraction from Epstein? Dr. Steve would argue that the reverse is more the case.

Anti-Trump forces seem obsessed with the Epstein files in the belief that this, at long last, will be the straw that breaks the MAGA beast’s back. At last, Dirty Don’s cult will abandon him — after all, no one can excuse pedophilia. Well, no one except maybe Megyn Kelly. And spokesrobot Karoline Leavitt. And perhaps Speaker Mike Johnson, who will likely say he was away for the weekend and hasn’t kept up.

But what will the Epstein files reveal? That the guy found liable for sexual assault by a jury, the guy who once boasted to Howard Stern on air about his ability to gawk at semi-naked teenage pageant contestants, the guy who told Billy Bush about his privileged right to grab women’s genitals, is some kind of creep? Stop the presses.

Whatever Trump behaviour emerges from the files will probably be, at best, a stinking brown cherry atop a huge turd sundae.

Why are we waiting for confirmation of Trump’s character? Will the files also reveal that dogs are serial butt-sniffers, Australian cockroaches are nightmare fuel and a 2018 vintage is better for wine than yogurt? Anybody who currently believes Trump is a moral paragon is too far removed from reality to be reached by any Epstein file or, for that matter, by the Starship Enterprise travelling at Warp 9.

The furor over the Epstein files reminds Dr. Steve of the Mueller report on Russian interference in the 2016 election. In Trump’s first term, tremendous weight was put on Robert Mueller’s investigation into his supposed wrongdoing. This would be the moment, many believed, when the curtain was pulled back and the traitorous charlatan exposed.

But the eventual report was a bit of a damp squib. All the eggs in that basket went smash, and somehow Trump managed to skate from many of his obvious deficiencies. (Had it not been for the pandemic, the worst president America ever produced, or even conceived of, might have been re-elected in 2020, instead of four years later.)

Dr. Steve fears the public is making the same mistake again, this time via Epstein.

Put Epstein aside for a moment. Let’s look at the Trump files. They’re not secret. Trump incited a mob to attack the Capitol building and later told the rioters “We love you, you’re very special.” He is engaged in an ongoing attempt to undermine democracy and the rule of law itself, transforming the Department of Justice into a force resembling Sauron’s army of orcs. Trump has been found liable for sexual assault by a civil jury — he denied the crime of rape by saying the victim was “not his type.” He is a convicted felon, and that’s not some inconvenient technicality — it’s who Trump is at his very core. He is so corrupt the concept is meaningless to him — corruption, in his mind, is as natural as binging cheeseburgers and telling lies. He is a psychopathic, narcissistic imbecile who referred to military veterans as “suckers” and “losers” and recently posted an AI video of himself dumping excrement on American protesters.

A person could search the length and breadth of America with a lantern and never find a more vile, reprehensible human being. Investigative journalism is not required.

Dr. Steve has no objection to releasing the Epstein files — the sooner the better. However, he does not expect to learn much. The Pope is Catholic. Bears are not inclined to wait for the next available bathroom. Donald Trump is, and always will be, Donald Trump.