Last of the Official Steve Burgess Guide to 2024

The end of the calendar lap is nigh. You've dragged yourself this far, through parts 1, 2 and 3, so may as well stick it out. Part 4 of our painful look back.

RFK Jr.

Donald Trump's vaccine-hating candidate for secretary of health and human services is like Septic Claus, exhorting his plague-deer: “On Measles! On TB! Rubella and Smallpox! On Brain Worm! Ebola! Corona and Mpox!” Children who've been bad will wake Christmas morning to find a dead bear cub under the tree. Good children get baggies of heroin (which Kennedy actually said was a big help when he was in school: “I was at the bottom of my class, I started doing heroin, and I went to the top of my class,” he told a podcaster). Nobody wins with Septic Claus.

John Rustad

From the political wilderness, the B.C. Conservative leader surged to within a hair's breadth of occupying the premier's office in the fall election. His secret? Sheer charisma. No, Rustad does not have an OnlyFans account. Stop asking.

Scurvy

Thanks to a rash of cases in La Ronge, Saskatchewan, scurvy is no longer restricted to screenplays about pirates. Sometimes nostalgia really sucks.

Danielle Smith

Credit where due — the Alberta premier's wackadoodle medical theories and conspiracy drivel once seemed pretty fringy. No more. Smith is solidly mainstream now.

Donald Sutherland

The death of a true Canadian legend was the occasion for much reminiscing about favourite performances — Sutherland was one of those actors for whom 15 different people might cite different films — and also an excuse to drag out the story of how his Kelly’s Heroes co-star Clint Eastwood, giggling uncontrollably, informed Sutherland that his then-wife Shirley Douglas had been arrested after trying to buy grenades with a personal cheque.

Taylor Swift

She seemed unstoppable this year — at least until her endorsement of Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. Her omnipotence failed when we needed it most.

Anyway, the Vancouver shows were a huge hit and brought lots of visitors to the city. Apparently, though, Swift fans began drifting away to the bathrooms when the Eras show reached her collaborations with Brian Eno. And the Philip Glass tribute just left them confused. (Warning: This concert review may be inaccurate. But with ticket prices that approached $16,000, some guesswork was necessary.)

Syria

Years of fighting, and then a sudden collapse as the Russians and Iranians abandoned their Syrian clients. The demise of Bashar al-Assad is to be celebrated, but as usual we don't yet know whether the new regime is going to be a whole lot better. Could hardly be worse. Could it?

Meanwhile Trump's advisers are engaged in intense policy sessions as they attempt to explain to the president-elect the difference between Syria and Serbia.

And it has to be a bittersweet development for Ukraine, knowing their fierce resistance against Russian aggression has led to victory in... Syria.

Tariffs

Tariff is “the most beautiful word in the dictionary,” according to Trump. Since he couldn't crack a dictionary with a can opener, and it's probably not a word you'd hear from a Speak & Spell, it's no surprise Trump doesn't seem to understand how tariffs work. He's like a toddler with a propane torch. Thanks again, America.

Taylor Swift

Yes, she was also under S. She gets all the letters. She's Taylor Swift.

Tesla

Go ahead, Elon, make your brand toxic to the only demographic likely to buy an electric vehicle. You magical genius tycoon.

Top secret

Who knows what is in a top secret file? Not you. Not me. Not Pierre Poilievre. Unlike you and I, though, Poilievre expects to be prime minister of Canada. His refusal to get security clearance is as sketchy as a five-year-old's horsey drawing.

Justin Trudeau

There was a rather farcical spectacle in November — a boxing match between 27-year-old YouTube star turned boxer Jake Paul and former heavyweight titan Mike Tyson. Paul is by no means a great pugilist — any legitimate contender in his prime would probably knock him silly — but Tyson is 58. The idea was that savvy old Iron Mike would somehow manage to reach back through muscle memory and recapture past glory, laying Paul out with one final glorious punch. In fact, the fight played out like a 27-year-old versus a 58-year-old in a bus station parking lot, except tens of millions of suckers paid to watch.

Trudeau too was once the undisputed titleholder, but that was long ago. The challenger is frankly an unimpressive palooka who would have been knocked into next week by the champ in his prime. But at the moment it is shaping up as a mismatch, and some of the punches are coming from your own corner. Time to hang ’em up, slugger.

Tucker Carlson

An interview surfaced this year in which Tucker Carlson claimed he'd been attacked by a demon.

Many people surely called to inquire whether the demon has a rate card. Does it work weekends?

In February the former Fox News host went to Moscow and regaled his fans with the joys of Russian supermarkets, then conducted an interview with President Vladimir Putin that played out more like a hostage video. He returned this month to interview Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and bang on about nuclear war with barely disguised relish. Just a reminder: he's on the winning side. These are the people in charge of America now.

UEFA Euro 2024

Spain captured the quadrennial tournament with a 2-1 victory over England, the Toronto Maple Leafs of European football. Canada, though not eligible, did win as many games as it did in the World Cup.

JD Vance

Vice-presidential candidate JD Vance proved to be one of the most wooden, inept political candidates in memory. He made Ron DeSantis sound like Barack Obama. Vance sneered at childless cat ladies, sparking outrage and guaranteeing that he and his despicable boss would be soundly rejected by... umm, never mind. You were saying, Mr. Vice-President-elect?

Tim Walz

By contrast with his Republican counterpart, the Minnesota governor and Democratic VP nominee was warm, personable, human. America's dad, they called him. What happened on Nov. 5 would have to be called patricide. Suspects still at large.

Chip Wilson

Bravely blew the whistle on Comrade Eby's Stalinism, but in vain. Now languishing in some lonely gulag.

X

After trying his very best since 2022, this year Elon Musk got serious traction in his quest to destroy the former Twitter as a post-election exodus to Bluesky left X trolls and Muskovites with no one to call “snowflake.” Yet more evidence of the genius he will bring to his key role in reshaping the U.S. government. If Musk's record of achievement remains consistent, by this time next year Charlton Heston will be pounding the sand in front of a broken Statue of Liberty.

Yoon Suk Yeol

The South Korean president declared martial law and then quickly discovered that not every democracy shrugs at authoritarianism. Perhaps he should have spoken more about Arnold Palmer's penis.

Zebra mussels

Hear those hooves? Zebra mussels are galloping west. If you see one hitchhiking, keep driving.

Zelenskyy

You thought you were upset about the American election? Try being the Ukrainian president, who had to sit on the sidelines for a vote that could help determine his country's fate. And then had to watch as a bunch of voters who probably couldn't spell NATO elected a Putin-worshipping stooge, probably because of some bullshit about immigrants they heard on Fox & Friends.

And we’re done

From Kiev to Gaza to Mexico City to Ottawa, 2024 was a year that reminded us all that at least part of our fate is in the hands of yahoos who get their news from Sean Hannity and Alex Jones.

Now 2025 is here. The seatbelt sign is on.

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Happy holidays, readers. Our comment threads will be closed until Jan. 2 to give our moderators a much-deserved break. See you in 2025!