The Official Steve Burgess Guide to 2024: A to E

Did you really think you were going to escape this vile and fetid year without being dragged, kicking and screaming, through a charming retrospective?

Pour yourself a double and let's begin.

Abortion

The issue that was supposed to make the difference in the U.S. election. The issue that would mobilize the American populace, since evidently seeing a former president who attempted to overthrow the government run for re-election to stay out of jail was just, you know, meh. You don't even get off the couch for that.

Abortion, then. Ensuring the right of a woman to control her own body. That would surely do it.

Or not. Well, next time for sure.

Next time the Democrats will probably be able to focus on Elon Musk's apartheid-friendly forced labour camps and President Trump's line of $300 “Get Out of Sexual Assault Free” NFT cards.

Still, the election outcome will likely depend on the price of bacon.

Air Canada

No, the new economy fare rules that will make you pay for a carry-on bag do not also require a flight attendant to punch you in the groin, insult your outfit, then pour hot coffee in your lap. Ridiculous. That's only in basic economy. You always have the option to upgrade.

Or try WestJet. They offer a lap full of Earl Grey and a wedgie.

Alice Munro

Canada's only Nobel laureate for literature died May 13 at 92. Almost before the tributes could begin for a woman who once appeared on a Canadian stamp, Munro's daughter Andrea Robin Skinner revealed that she had been abused by her stepfather, Munro's husband, and that after learning of the abuse Munro had chosen to support her husband.

For Canadians still grappling with revelations about Buffy Sainte-Marie’s claims of Indigenous heritage months earlier, it was another reminder that, as Munro herself often taught, private lives do not always match up with public perceptions, and that you cannot predict how a story will end.

Anesthetic

U.S. health insurance company Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield recently announced it would no longer pay for anesthesia care if the surgery or procedure goes beyond a certain time limit.

It was to be a bold experiment in pure capitalism: “OK, scalpel... forceps... retractor... now wake up the patient and tell her the price of anesthetic just went up. She's under no obligation, of course...”

Alas, Anthem backed down after a wave of bad publicity. Cowards. Cornelius Vanderbilt is rolling in his crypt.

AOC

The first person to gain a million followers on social media channel Bluesky.

Can we just hurry up and give Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez the keys to the Democratic party already?

Auf Wiedersehen

Chrystia Freeland's computer password.

Axe the tax

What ails you, friends? Arthritis? Psoriasis? The price of eggs? Worry no more! Pierre's Magic Liniment and Elixir removes the vexatious carbon tax that is the source of all human misery.

Remember when Red Lobster used to offer endless shrimp? Not anymore. Thanks, Justin. But help is at hand.

Axe the tax and enjoy lustrous hair with more shine, more body, more volume! More torque and towing power! Taylor Swift tickets for everyone!

BC Conservatives

They’re new! They’re hot! And they are already at each other's throats.

Fresh from the party's election success that gave them a caucus of 44, 13 BC Conservative MLAs recently sent a letter to party leader John Rustad demanding that he discipline fellow Conservative MLA Elenore Sturko.

Sturko's alleged crime? In a CBC interview, she agreed that Comfort Sakoma-Fadugba was right to resign as vice-chair of the Vancouver Police Board. Sakoma-Fadugba had posted online comments that, among other things, attacked Diwali celebrations as a means of “erasing Christian values from the lives of our children.”

The Gang of 13 says Sturko is a cancel culture cop. The 13 signees include Brent Chapman, the Surrey South MLA who once suggested mass shootings might be a hoax and called Palestinians “inbred.”

The BC Conservatives appear to be following the path forged by the Republican caucus in the U.S. Congress, with an extremist faction emerging to attack the faction that would qualify as extreme, if not for the existence of the more extreme faction.

Biden

He was too old to be president — on that, everyone agreed. So he stepped aside. Instead, Americans elected a demented 78-year-old who looks like he's been bobbing for french fries and spent the campaign babbling about Hannibal Lecter and Arnold Palmer's giant penis. Democracy.

Bluesky

The new online Eden for refugees from Elon Musk’s X. So far, Pierre Poilievre has not shown up to eat the apple.

Canada Post

Letters to Santa should be addressed instead to the Easter Bunny. Search and rescue teams are deploying to deal with the avalanche threat represented by back issues of the New Yorker.

Ceilings

It was hoped the U.S. presidential election would finally shatter a glass ceiling by electing a Black, South Asian woman. Nope — that particular ceiling turned out to be titanium.

But the glass ceiling for felons? Just shards now. Dog killers, sexual assailants, convicts, chronic boozers, terrorists, traitors, brain-worm hosts and apartheid-loving billionaire edgelords have all soared through the barriers that cruelly held them back, and shall now be allowed to play their roles determining the fate of humanity. Does Beyoncé have a song for that?

Christianity

Under new management.

Crayons

Last month at Vancouver City Hall, a gang of vicious children created crayon drawings about climate change in a clear attempt to bully visiting gas industry lobbyists. Mayor Ken Sim had the offending drawings removed. Hopefully counselling was available for the lobbyists, but we cannot confirm.

Crypto

Vancouver mayor and budding crypto bro Sim also wants to make cryptocurrency part of the city's financial plan. What could go wrong?

There is only a teeny, tiny chance that fluctuations and fraud will result in Stanley Park becoming Cybertruck Speedway, or that the Vancouver fire department will do less firefighting, more pump-and-dump. VFD Charcoin: it's hot.

Cybertrucks

Pricey yet useful system of personal identification.

David Eby

Eby is a tall guy. You’d never guess he got chopped off at the knees in the October election. Still premier, but barely.

Let’s hope Eby didn't bite his fingernails too badly on election night — he’ll need them to cling to power.

Dogs

Politically, it's been an up-and-down year for dogs. South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem wrote a memoir boasting about shooting Cricket, the misbehaving family dog. Cats cheered. But the revelation sank Noem's campaign to be Trump’s running mate, which pleased the dog community.

Republican vice-presidential candidate JD Vance then attacked “childless cat ladies,” another win for dogs. Trump and Vance told lies about immigrants eating dogs and cats, alarming both the dog and cat lobbies, albeit for different reasons.

When Trump and Vance won, it looked like a defeat for felines, a victory for canines. But after the election, Trump turned around and made Noem, the dog sniper, the head of the Department of Homeland Security.

Who's smiling now? Cats. (They're smiling inside.)

Dress code

Considering that Vancouver's mayor showed up at Remembrance Day ceremonies in a parka and sneakers, apparently looser than it was.

Drones

They go to war, they help you cheat at soccer, they scare the bejabbers out of New Jersey. Versatile!

Eclipse

A wide swath of North America was treated to a total solar eclipse on April 8. Once upon a time, eclipses were seen as harbingers of doom, ominous warnings that terrible events were coming. A silly superstition.

Elections

Just some random events that happened after the eclipse.

Tomorrow: We continue our alphabetical march through 2024. F for forging on!

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Happy holidays, readers. Our comment threads will be closed until Jan. 2 to give our moderators a much-deserved break. See you in 2025!