[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
Lululemon tycoon Chip Wilson recently put up a big sign in front of his Point Grey Road home that reads: “Eby will tell you the Conservatives are ‘Far Right' but neglects saying that the NDP is ‘Communist.’”
Unknown foes left spray painted epithets on the sign and Wilson’s home in response.
When asked about Wilson's sign, BC Conservative Leader John Rustad said “I don't disagree with him when he says Eby is a communist.”
Are B.C. voters facing Soviet-style communism, Dr. Steve?
Signed,
R. Millhouse
Dear Millhouse,
Dr. Steve sympathizes with Chip Wilson. While it is true that the stretchy-pants tycoon lives in a mansion worth over $81 million, equipped with seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms, a tennis court, pool and enough mysterious structures to house a plucky cadre of freedom fighters while a corrupt society descends into leftist anarchy, he is still a relative pauper compared to some of his billionaire pals.
Although Wilson did buy up four lots and knock down the houses to construct his waterfront complex, he must still put up with an indignity Richard Branson would never suffer: neighbours. Branson, like Mark Zuckerberg and other ultra-wealthy moguls, has a private island. Not Wilson. People can cycle right past Wilson's house, bold as brass, thanks to the likes of Comrade Eby. Yet if Wilson were to release the hounds, somehow, he'd be the bad guy.
It's no wonder Wilson worries about commies. The freedom-loving Lululemon founder has long done battle against those Bolsheviks over at Mountain Equipment Co-Op. And ensconced within his Point Grey Road fortress, he will surely recall how Chairman Mao Zedong took over the Forbidden City. Wilson must wake up screaming, dreaming of peasants playing doubles on his private court. You think it's tough getting cockroaches out of the kitchen? Try getting Soviets out of the sauna.
As if to confirm Wilson’s fears of a brewing class war in Point Grey, underground resisters painted Wilson’s sign and mansion exterior with rude insults. The revolutionaries are growing bolder by the day.
It's a little confusing, however, that Lululemon bags are as red as Chinese flags and that Wilson himself has been associated with Reds. True, it was just the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who played at his birthday party in 2013. But you have to wonder why he couldn't find an act with a more suitable moniker, like maybe Whitesnake. Well, it's a problem for a lot of people on the right these days. You want to find a decent band for your event and end up stuck with Kid Rock. Nobody has a happy birthday then.
Wilson is no longer chairman of Lululemon, and apparently owns only about eight per cent of the fitness wear company's stock.
Perhaps that's why the company has been missing some great opportunities recently. When Elon Musk did jumping jacks on stage with Donald Trump Saturday, it was shocking that he was not kitted out in comfy, breathable, anti-communist Lululemon yoga pants.
But then, Wilson is on record saying Lululemon wear is not suitable for certain body types. And perhaps we should all be grateful that Trump has stuck to selling overpriced watches and sneakers rather than a line of Lululemon Mar-a-Lago Golf Wear, with himself as model. That could leave a permanent mark on one's retinas.
The main thing is that the Lululemon brand is not just about clothes. It's about a philosophy. Lululemon's bright red shopping bags are often covered with slogans reflecting company ideals. So far “Better dead than red” has not been one of them. One slogan that has been featured on bags, though, is: “Friends are more important than money.”
That has a disturbingly socialist ring. But even a libertarian needs friends, and Wilson clearly has a buddy in Rustad. The BC Conservatives' agreement with Wilson's characterization of Eby as a Commie should make for an interesting leaders' debate this week. Will the B.C. premier agree to allow multi-party elections? Will the province close its missile bases in Cuba? How will Eby defend the assassination of Trotsky?
If communism is indeed on the ballot this October, our freedom is at stake. Should Eby and NDP win the election, we must turn to Rustad and Wilson to lead the resistance. But you probably shouldn't show up at Wilson's place with an overnight bag. Those hounds don't do politics.
Read more: BC Election 2024, BC Politics
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