From the Depths of Goblin Mode, I Found the Magic of Goblin Pants

Sometimes you pull on an article of clothing, and the part of your brain that assesses what feels right rolls its eyes back in pure bliss. Maybe it even drools a little. Pull on a pair of comfy pants, and your brain stops its ceaseless chatter, and simply shuts up. The silence alone is sublime.

Most people have a pair of pants that they wear only at home — often they’re the first thing you reach for when you step through the door. Some call them “comfy pants” or “sweats.” My preferred sobriquet is “goblin pants,” inspired in part by the state of mind, body and spirit known as “goblin mode.” The term refers to the moment when you cease to put on a brave or handsome face and sink into comfort that quickly veers into the slobbovian.

This state of being was so relatable that “goblin mode” was the 2022 Oxford word of the year. And as we stare down the long dark tunnel of 2024, my professional opinion is that our goblin selves will continue to caper with maniacal glee, especially when it comes to pants.

To be frank, “goblin mode” carries with it a certain funk, because goblins are not fit for human company. With goblin pants, that’s the entire point. These are not pants for public perusal. These are private pants, not even appropriate for venturing out to get the mail or grab an iced coffee.

Out of sight of society, these pants are items you yearn to wear because they signal that the day is done. You can hang up your sword and shield and battle again tomorrow. But for tonight, it’s goblin pants time.

The peak pants moment reached its apotheosis (a-pants-theosis?) during the early pandemic, but some lingering germs took hold and refused to depart, even as we returned to a semblance of normal life. It’s like true love: once you’ve tasted true comfort and acceptance, you can never go back to the pain of trying and failing to attain perfection.

Why goblin pants possess the power to destroy

There are things to be mindful of, however, when you embrace the power of the G-pants.

Be careful because they possess the power to destroy. As with other supernatural creatures, there are rules. Unlike with Gremlins, you can definitely get them wet and feed them after midnight. In fact, that’s required. The rules of goblin pants are more about protecting you, the pants’ wearer, from the impact they might have on your personal life and others’ perceptions of you.

If you want to maintain any community respect, restrict the pants to certain hours, like from 10 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. or so. When the first blush of the dawn creeps over the horizon, stash the pants in the very back of the closet or down in the grotty bottom of the laundry hamper.

Don’t worry, you can always fish them out later, when no one is looking.

The lesson of the pants

Where do I find such unholy pants, you ask? What pants would goblins, in fact, wear? The most immediate answer is none at all. Goblins like to let it all hang loose, hence their appeal to the basest set. But if you force goblins to pick a pair of pants, invariably they will land on some version of sweatpants. The more stained and crusty, the better. Spill something? Just wipe it up with your pants. These pants are wondrously adaptable within a certain set of confines.

Even if you cannot be seen in public with them on, you can wear them whenever you are sad, and also when you are most happy and content. Wine stains and crumbs are not a problem with goblin pants. Such additions merely add to the patina. The crust, as it were, is like the edge of a well-baked pie.

What else can goblin pants do? Only put you in touch with your truest self. “What?!” I hear you exclaim. “For reals?” It may seem counterintuitive to put something on in order to reveal something else, but this is how they work. I don’t make the rules; I just report them.

What these pants are really telling us is that it’s OK to drop all pretence. That being your most honest and basic self is genuine liberation. There will be times, like tomorrow, when a more professional demeanour is required. But the spirit of the pants will live inside of you, whispering softly, that your real self isn’t a chartered accountant in a bland button-down shirt and beige Dockers, but a ragged and wild thing, eager to let loose, shuck off propriety and embrace the most elemental aspects of living. Comfort is nothing to sniff at. Although don’t sniff too closely. Gamy!

Can you love something into a semblance of life?

These pants are a partner in all meaningful things. They can absorb hard use, abuse even, and grow softer and more accommodating as stiffness and formality ease off. There is something about a garment that is so hard-worn that it is barely holding together: less a piece of cloth and thread than a real creature. Can you love something into a semblance of life? I think so. Just ask my mangy sweater.

That is the other lesson of the pants: we are all imperfect creatures. The pants are here to remind us of that. Daily doses of humility are better than huge dollops of humiliation and embarrassment, after all. So, listen carefully to what the pants are aiming to tell you, that the heart of who you are, however beaten up and threadbare, is better than any pretence. Because it is real, unvarnished and true.

At this point, you might be asking if we’re heading into Velveteen Rabbit territory. The plot of the beloved 1922 children’s book applies equally well to goblin pants. So, if you love them long enough and hard enough, will they become real and can they be released into the forest where they will join herds of feral pants, running free and wild? Well, that might not happen.

But maybe something even more magical will. You and your pants can run wild together, out there in the big wide world. Far beyond the comforts of your living room, there is a place of true liberation and freedom, my friends. A place where no pants are required at all.