Please Advise! Did BC Just Get Shafted by a Pipeline?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Prime Minister Carney and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith have announced plans for a new pipeline to the B.C. coast, following the track of the existing Trans Mountain line. B.C. Premier David Eby says although the province has concerns, he is pleased that the northern oil tanker ban will remain in effect. Carney and Eby also announced $20 billion worth of federal funding for B.C. projects.

Is this a good deal for B.C., Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Dee L.

Dear DL,

The first thing to clear up is the difference between blackmail and bribery. Bribery is a $20-billion payoff. Blackmail is that thing where you make threats — accept our demands or we will separate, etc. — to get what you want.

Dr. Steve has been pretty hard on Danielle Smith over the years. Many adjectives have been used to describe her — let’s pause a moment while you compile your personal favourites — but it seems time for the Doctor to add another descriptor. That would be “effective.”

Say what you want about Smith (again, consult your adjective list), but grudging respect is due. In the pipeline battle, Smith wanted something. Eby wanted something very different. Compromises were made, but who really got their way? Hint: not the guy who needed a $20-billion consolation prize.

Like it or (the popular choice) not, Smith is succeeding. Like Donald Trump cancelling a World Cup red card, she steps in and the referees obey. Would you want to be NDP Leader Naheed Nenshi right now, watching from the opposition sideline?

As for Carney, you must not get the wrong idea. He cares about climate change. Trump once said it was “a Chinese hoax,” but not Canada. We believe the science. There are lots of government TV ads touting our commitment to alternative energy, and thanks to this potential new stream of oil revenue, the government will be able to buy lots more ads about wind and solar. As Carney said last week: “The climate crisis is still with us and our commitment to fighting it is still absolute.”

Umm… absolute what? Seems like there's a word missing there, something about cattle excrement. But the prime minister hastened to justify the pipeline plan, saying that oil wealth will provide funding for social programs and childhood education. You could say the same thing about selling meth, but that would not likely have the same degree of public support.

And the pipeline does have public support. With gas prices high and Trump still making his asinine threats, not many Canadians want to lay down our petroleum sword and surrender.

Besides, we’re sending this oil somewhere else. Once it gets to the coast, away it goes. We don’t know what happens to it later. We'll just be right here at home, saving the planet by recycling yogurt containers.

Many historians will tell you that human-caused climate change really started with the Industrial Revolution. It seems more accurate to say it started when humans moved from the barter system to currency-based trade. Once money arrived it was like giving a six-year-old a new book of stickers — everything would eventually get a tag, including the climate.

Humans will always fail the marshmallow test. Tomorrow stands no chance against today. The government brought in a carbon tax as a responsible anti-emissions measure and the result was very nearly prime minister Pierre Poilievre.

In the immortal words of Wimpy, “I Would Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Hamburger Today.” We will always want that hamburger now.

Next week? Next week, we’ll put another burger on the tab.