"I don't want an election. Canadians don't want an election." -- Federal Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff
I'm a political pundit -- it's just what I do.
So when I heard very disturbing reports that there might not be a federal election this summer I sprang into action.
Canada doesn't want an election? Canada needs an election, dammit!
How else can we pundits pontificate endlessly about the horse race, trash the parties' campaigns, belittle the candidates and look oh-so-smart while doing it?
And what else would Canadians have to talk about? The weather? Don't make me sick!
Should we talk about Saskatchewan? The place so flat that when your dog runs away from home you can still see him for three days? Give me a break!
Anyway, I knew there was only one organized crime group that could pull off this no-election caper -- the Parliament Hill Gang!
I had my enforcers in the press gallery round 'em up for questioning, only this time there'd be no scrum, no spin and no film at six.
The Parliament Hill Gang -- quite the collection they are -- have taken more money from innocent Canadians than if Al Capone, Ronald Biggs and Bernie Madoff joined forces!
Horse race list
Here's the rundown.
Giles "Frenchy" Duceppe: calls his Bloc Quebecois election campaign plane "Deb-o-naire" -- too cute by demi.
And there's Jack "The Stache" Layton. Who ever thunk an NDP leader would become hero to every used car dealer in the country?
Layton's about as trustworthy with your family silverware -- he'd nationalize Tim Hortons if he could get away with it.
But those two guys are small potatoes. The Liberal opposition leader is the one who wants to take over the gang.
They call him Michael "Count Iggy" Ignatieff. Also known as "The Professor" and "That American Guy".
Then the gang boss -- for now -- Stephen "Thugsy" Harper. AKA "Little Stevie Blunder" and "Helmet Hair".
No election, eh? Who's wise idea was that?
I grilled 'em like a sockeye salmon on Canada Day.
"Who’s holdin' out on callin' an election? Talk, or I send you out to a media scrum wearing another hair net!" I threatened Duceppe.
"Mais, je ne connais pas, rien," he whimpered.
"Don't know nuttin', eh?" I sneered, showing him my command of our other official language.
I didn't even bother with Layton -- once he starts talkin' he never shuts up.
Iggy was smilin' like a Cheshire cat and Harper, well, I could just tell somethin' was up between those two.
"Listen you punks, Canada needs an election this summer -- I got nuttin' to write about," I yelled.
They looked down at their feet like choir boys caught smokin'. They knew I was right.
"Sorry -- what was we thinkin' bout?" Iggy replied, dropping his usual pompous pronouncements.
"I dunno what came over me," Harper added. "This cooperation crap is stoopid!"
I decided to go easy on 'em.
"I'm gonna give you till September to call an election on a count of I'm a charitable kinda guy," I said. "But I tell youse, any more deals and my press gallery goons will rub out the lot of you -- now get outta my sight!"
It's a tough job some days but hey, I'm a political pundit -- it's what I do.
Related Tyee stories:
- How Grits Can Win
Ignatieff's road to victory leads through BC. Here's a map.
- Force Us to Vote
Four reasons why BC needs to make casting ballots compulsory.
- Making Democracy a Commons Insult
Question Period feels like watching schoolyard bullies scrap for status.
Read more: Politics