Please Advise! Why Did a BC Mining Company Hire Kristi Noem?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

A B.C. mining company has hired former U.S. secretary of homeland security Kristi Noem. NovaRed Mining calls her position a “strategic advisory role.”

Good move, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Doug

Dear Doug,

Why? Why hire Kristi Noem? Let’s look at some possible reasons.

NovaRed is a mining company. And Kristi Noem definitely has experience in digging holes. Not too deep — after you’ve shot the family dog in a gravel pit, a shallow grave is good enough. Still, it’s a start, and Noem can probably offer some shovel-ready tips.

Also, mining is about reaching the depths. How low can you go? This hiring could be proof of concept, proclaiming: “You want depths? We at NovaRed can dig up some dregs from the very rock bottom.”

In fact, everything Noem has been involved with has sunk to new lows. As governor of South Dakota, and later secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, she proved herself to be an unprincipled self-promoter and an incompetent ideologue, opposing women’s right to procreative freedom and trans people’s rights in general. During the pandemic she promoted hydroxychloroquine and used government relief funds to run tourism ads starring, of course, Kristi Noem. She attended the 2020 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, which proved to be a major COVID incubator and overwhelmed state hospitals.

And that was before she boasted in her memoir about her decisiveness in shooting the family dog, defended the Immigration and Customs Enforcement killing of Renee Good and Alex Pretti or bought a $70-million alleged flying boudoir for herself and her squeeze Corey Lewandowski that might have been called the Department of Boneland Security. Like a diamond-tipped drill bit, she has been instrumental in driving the U.S. reputation into the dirt.

But wait, you ask, doesn't Noem already have a job? When Noem got gassed as secratrix of homeland security, didn’t Donald Trump give her the prestigious title of special envoy for the Shield of the Americas? True, “Shield of the Americas” sounds like something Canada should wear to prevent catching a dose of Trump. But whatever that job is, shouldn’t she be somewhere doing it?

To be fair, it’s a tricky sort of position. Remember when Trump said tariffs were being applied to Canada because of fentanyl, and Canada appointed a fentanyl czar? Maybe the fentanyl czar and the special shield envoy could share an office — a couple of desks and a potted plant, right above the Dunkin' Donuts. Anyway, Dr. Steve is sure that Noem will diligently pursue whatever that task might be, just as soon as somebody figures it out. In the meantime, the private sector beckons.

Boycotts would seem inevitable. Maybe you have a big mining project in the works, and you were considering NovaRed. But now? Hell, no. You’ll take your mining business elsewhere, perhaps to a small, artisanal miner like Julianne’s Boutique Mining, or West End Placer Mining and Spa. Maybe you’ll search for a nice mining company at the weekend farmers market. But not NovaRed. No way.

NovaRed seems strangely unconcerned about bad publicity, though. Could it be they have noticed that people with a lot of money to invest in mining tend to be the kind of people who think Kristi Noem’s dog had it coming? Have they seen a Venn diagram of mining investors and Tyee readers that shows one circle as Venus and the other as Neptune?

Or could it be that NovaRed feels they’ve got nothing to lose? A report from Dale Matheson Carr-Hilton LaBonte Chartered Professional Accountants said NovaRed “has not generated any revenue and has accumulated losses of $735,597 since inception. These events or conditions, along with other matters... indicate that a material uncertainty exists that may cast significant doubt on the Company's ability to continue as a going concern.”

Uh-oh. If Noem got a report like that about the family pooch, she’d be loading up her Glock. But it does provide a possible reason for the company's hiring decision. If you believe there’s no such thing as bad publicity, Kristi Noem has a real shot at being employee of the month.

Noem’s new job is part of a disturbing trend. TV cameras showed FIFA president Gianni Infantino at BC Place stadium last week. And Mark Zuckerberg’s yacht has been spotted anchored off South Pender Island.

Perhaps the vultures are circling. Perhaps B.C. is set to become just the sort of place where the Kristi Noems of the world feel right at home.

Keep your dogs on the leash.