Please Advise! How Many More MPs Will Quit Poilievre’s Party?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Yet another Conservative MP has crossed the floor to join the Liberals. Markham-Unionville's Michael Ma announced his decision on Thursday. Following the earlier defection of MLA Chris d’Entremont, Ma's move means Prime Minister Mark Carney is only one seat short of a majority government.

Will there be more?

Signed,

B. Arnold

Dear Ben,

Ma-Ma Mia, here we go again. As the prime minister would say: How could you resist me?

On the other side of the much-trafficked aisle, Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre is pissed. And he has a right to be. Ma did not simply jump from one caucus to another. He broke an unwritten rule, a solemn edict of party politics — he pulled off a festive double-dip. On Wednesday, Ma attended the Conservative caucus Christmas party. The very next night he was getting his nog on with the 24-hour Liberal party people.

Maybe it wasn't about politics at all — maybe Ma was just hangry. He partook of bipartisan chicken wings; he plundered the Conservative cranberry walnut cheese log, only to snarfle up the smoked salmon puffs of the enemy before the moon would rise again.

Ma executed that rare holiday manoeuvre: the Double Grinch. For the Conservatives, he was Bad Grinch, sneaking out of the celebration with all the Christmas joy stuffed into his sack. Conservative MP Kurt Holman griped on X: "I was Michael Ma's Secret Santa. I gave him an Amazon Fire Stick."

Talk about a Secret Santa. You, an amateur, buy a scented candle. Ma, a Christmas super-spy, puts a fancy bow and a sprig of holly on a plastic explosive. The very next day, boom goes the holiday dynamite. And there was Michael Ma, the Good Grinch, sitting at the Liberal table, carving the roast beast. His cholesterol grew three sizes that day. Cindy Lou Who must be loving her new Amazon Fire Stick.

So now the Liberals are one seat away from a parliamentary majority. Government House leader Steven MacKinnon claimed more Conservatives were considering a move.

No doubt Carney immediately started rolling out the Black Friday floor-crossing specials. Join and get a free cabinet seat in your choice of style. Become the Minister of Mattress-Testing! Assume the Soft Ice Cream with Sprinkles portfolio! Want to be Undersecretary for Taylor Swift? Act now! Join the Liberals and receive a stylish and fully reversible turncoat. They'll throw in a FIFA Peace Prize, good for a free cruller at any participating Tim Horton's. Floor crossers will also get an official Liberal glossary, containing the magic words that let you express support for both pipelines and climate action.

This looks bad for Poilievre of course. Or does it? Could it be that the Conservative arch-schemer is reviving the most infamous stratagem in all of ancient history? One by one the Conservative MLAs infiltrate the Liberal caucus, as if in the belly of a wooden horse. Soon the walls of Liberal Troy are breached from within. The Conservatives triumph!

The problem with this plan is that, as usual, Carney is way ahead of him. Once the Conservative infiltrators take a look around at their new digs they'll see it's not so bad in the Liberal camp. Nobody's really pushing climate issues anymore. Legislation has been passed to cut taxes and strengthen border controls. And best of all, there's no Poilievre. Really, the Liberal caucus is a pretty sweet place to be a Conservative these days.

At any rate, Santa Claus will be busy in Ottawa this holiday season. Poilievre is getting a big lump of coal — probably what he usually asks for anyway — and Carney will be amending his wish list to add just one more item.

And where will you find Michael Ma? Depends. When's the NDP Christmas party?