[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD. in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
Vancouver mayor Ken Sim recently attended a conference where it was proposed that Kits Pool could be heated through bitcoin mining. The tremendous heat generated by the computers that search for cryptocurrency can thus be repurposed, the presentation said.
Is this a good idea?
Signed,
Speedo
Dear Speedy,
Dr. Steve is inspired. Wonderful new civic proposals dance before him. Check it out: a thousand monkeys, smoking cigars. People would flock to see the monkeys. And those cigars would really heat the place up. We’d be rich, and warm too.
As Mayor Sim no doubt understands, hydro power is fine. But alternative energy can also be generated by the tides of fortune. Bitcoin heat could be just the beginning. Imagine an arena where 10,000 hucksters are plugging NFTs. Think of the resulting wind power. SkyTrain might run on the energy generated by 5,000 roulette wheels. Commuters will reach their destinations, and if 32 red comes up, Baby will get new shoes.
Bitcoin mining uses massive amounts of energy, which result in tradable digital tokens for crypto investors. There is a long and well-established history of such projects. Crypto is really nothing more than a reinvention of the Rumpelstiltskin industrial process. As noted historians the Brothers Grimm once reported, the infamous imp spent his days spinning straw into gold, a job now done by computers. This proposal then is really an improvement on that ancient production system. In effect, as Rumpelstiltskin spun that straw into gold, his spinning wheel could also have run a washing machine or maybe heated a swimming pool. It was a missed opportunity. We’re smarter now.
Sim recently told a reporter that people who have made the effort to research crypto think it’s great. So: You, a moron, think crypto is sketchy. Sim, a visionary, pities you. You don’t want a crypto-based power grid? Fine. You’re not required to have heat in December. You can shiver in a couple of sweaters while bold pioneers like Sim relax in their silk pyjamas, basking before the Yuletide bitcoin log.
It’s true however that power generation is usually more directly employed. For example, you have a dam, it powers a turbine and provides electricity to homes and businesses. This crypto plan seems rather indirect. More like, say, the power generated by the Site C hydroelectric facility going straight to Chip Wilson’s 50-metre-high lava lamp. But the neighbourhood cats also get to watch it. So everybody benefits.
Of course Sim has pointed out that as Vancouver residents we would all be part owners of the resulting crypto. Cryptocurrency can buy lots of things, some of them even legal. Besides, it might be worthwhile for the city to develop a strategic reserve of methamphetamine.
Carping critics say cryptocurrency, speculative and unregulated, is far too uncertain as a means of municipal funding. Far better perhaps for the city to choose a more reliable means of revenue, such as maybe sports betting. Who are you going to listen to, Ken Sim or Wayne Gretzky?
Mayor Sim loves bitcoin so much, he told a crypto summit that exploring bitcoin is “a hill I’m willing to die on.” Kits Pool is, technically, not a hill. Still, if this whole crypto push doesn’t work out for Sim, the lifeguards should probably keep an eye out. ![]()
Read more: Municipal Politics

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