Please Advise! What’s Left of That Giant Nanaimo Bar?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Students at Vancouver Island University in Nanaimo have baked the world's largest Nanaimo bar. Pretty sweet, right?

Signed,

Seven Potatoes

Dear SP,

Go on, make your jokes. But the giant Nanaimo bar is no trifle. It's a 500-kilogram sign of things to come. Big things are being cooked up in Western Canada — from Nanaimo to Alberta, the knives are coming out and slices are about to be cut.

The world record Nanaimo bar was 21.3 metres long and almost a metre wide. It contained 125 kilograms of butter, 91 kilograms of confectioners’ sugar, 77 kilograms of graham cracker crumbs, the body of Jimmy Hoffa and 68 kilograms of dark chocolate. Larger than Prince Edward Island, if granted provincial status the bar would have five MPs and its own area code.

And why not push for official status? Lots of places are doing it. According to some national leaders, the mood of the country is as dark and bitter as unsweetened cocoa. Chief among them: Danielle Smith. The Alberta premier has been expressing her tremendous sorrow about the separatist movement she is vigorously pumping up with a bellows. Smith insists that she deeply regrets the referendum she has single-handedly fashioned like a Grade 6 science project. Such a shame, this official Government of Alberta project, marked as proudly and clearly as a freshly paved highway.

But Smith swears she is not fomenting separatist sentiment. It's like listening to a chocolate-custard-and-crumb-smeared toddler deny eating all the Nanaimo bars. Dr. Steve suspects Smith's advisors have had to talk her out of singing the Star-Spangled Banner before every Oilers game.

When Bloc Québécois leader Yves-Francois Blanchet was recently asked about the possibility of Alberta separation however, he said a nation needs a culture. “I am not certain that oil and gas qualifies to define a culture,” he said.

Says Nanaimo: Hold our ganache. You want culture? We've got 500 kilograms of it.

Make no mistake, the big Nanaimo bar is not just about a big Nanaimo bar. It's about Big Nanaimo Bar. A sprawling, many-layered organization that operates under a dark, scrumptious cover, BNB is fighting government attempts to impose dictatorial dietary restrictions. Their agenda: a national network of ever-expanding belts. And ultimately, sovereignty.

Local grievances toward the federal government have persisted ever since the Nanaimo Bar Stamp Fiasco. In 2019 Canada Post issued stamps commemorating iconic Canadian desserts. One stamp depicted the Nanaimo bar. Allegedly. In fact the unholy creation on the stamp featured a grotesquely swollen middle layer, as if the baker had just scored a cheap keg of custard powder at Costco. If a captcha instructed you to “Click on every square that shows a Nanaimo bar,” you'd hit “skip.” It was an abomination, a federal insult to the dignity of Nanaimo residents. Secession talk soon began.

Understood in this context, the giant Nanaimo bar stands revealed as far more than a world record attempt conceived after a few too many Guinnesses. It is a tangible and delectable statement of “Vivre le Nanaimo libre.”

Dr. Steve has been in secret communication with a spokesperson for the People's Front of Nanaimo, who told him: “There is a large and growing number of us who have lost hope in Nanaimo having a free and prosperous future. The vast majority of us are not fringe voices to be marginalized or vilified. We are loyal Nanaimoites. Nanaimoids. Nanaimotodes. Whatever.”

Authorities moved in swiftly to deal with the threat. The world record Nanaimo bar was brutally attacked and chopped to pieces. Today, little trace of it remains. But keep your forks, freedom lovers. The sweet day will come when the good people of Nanaimo see federal tyranny get its just desserts. Premier Smith will be only too happy to share her recipe.