Please Advise! Why Is Everything Weird?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

It’s a busy week in Canadian politics. Doug Ford is calling a snap Ontario election, Danielle Smith is drawing more criticism with her appeasement policy toward Trump and the Liberal leadership race is taking shape with Mark Carney gaining most of the endorsements. What’s causing all the turmoil?

Signed,

Massey

Dear Massey,

You don't have to be an Einstein to figure out this political equation. Like a jaundiced Jupiter, the gas giant in the White House continues to throw nearby planets out of orbit. You wouldn't think a clown could possess gravity, but science is full of surprises.

Ontario is the latest moon to veer off course due to the gravitational pull of Trump. Premier Doug Ford is calling a provincial election this week, he says, to cement his mandate in dealing with the U.S. tariff threat.

Calling a provincial election just as tariffs are expected, to create stability? Does that make any sense? Is the Pope Protestant? Does a bear use Ozempic? It would have been nice to think, however briefly, that Ford's tough stance against Trump was something other than grandstanding and opportunism, but kudos to the Ontario premier for putting that naive notion to rest. No sooner had Ford got some good reviews for his tough-guy routine and “Canada Is Not for Sale” hats than he rushed to cash in electorally.

By the way, “Canada Is Not for Sale” hats are for sale. You can buy one for about $40 on Amazon, which just closed its Quebec distribution warehouses after one of them unionized. Buy a hat and show your support for Canada and/or Jeff Bezos. (Ford will also sell you a green belt but you need to inquire about that privately.)

Smith meanwhile continued to defend her approach to Trump, which is rational, reasoned and conciliatory. “I just wanted to make sure that we get back to talking about the things that unite us, rather than divide us,” Smith told CTV News. She was referring to the issue of tariffs but presumably her approach has wider application.

For instance, Trump said last week that he favours a plan to “just clean out” Gaza and move Palestinians somewhere else.

Smith would probably advise Palestinians not to overreact. A spirit of compromise is always best. Maybe Palestinians could come back to visit, say, every other weekend? Perhaps the Palestinians might receive gift cards from Pottery Barn. Smith's philosophy is: Let's talk.

Trump threw another tantrum this weekend when the president of Colombia initially refused to accept his planeloads of deported immigrants. Trump immediately announced 25 per cent tariffs against Colombia. Perhaps fearing Fox News would have a tough time blaming the sudden surge in coffee prices on Hillary Clinton, Trump quickly lifted the threat once Colombia backed down.

He's still free to plan his invasions of Greenland and Panama with his new secretary of defence, Pete Hegseth, accompanied no doubt by Hegseth’s two assistants, Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker. Does that make sense? Well, never mind. Trump has put a 25 per cent tariff on reality.

Who will be the next Canadian prime minister to face off with America's diapered demon? Who will be tasked with preventing Trump from transforming the National Hockey League into an actual national hockey league, and renaming Hudson’s Bay the “Gulf of Freedom Fries”? It's looking more and more like the person dealing with the Trump circus will be a Carney.

Former Bank of England governor Mark Carney is piling up endorsements faster than Quinn Hughes piles up assists. Like the rest of the Canucks’ defence, Chrystia Freeland seems a step behind.

A couple of polls show the Liberals closing the gap on the Conservatives, but others show that so far there hasn't been a lot of movement.

Lately the Liberals have been running negative ads against Pierre Poilievre and no doubt will hope to tie him and his party to their American cousins. Once again, the political future seems to depend on Trump. Daycare is expensive at the best of times, but when the enfant terrible is in the Oval Office, it's murder.