Please Advise! How Can I Avoid Halloween Costume Horrors?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

This time of year there is much talk about choosing Halloween costumes. But there is another seasonal topic that needs to be discussed more often — recognizing those costumes. People are always annoyed when you don't understand who or what they are supposed to be. Can you offer some guidance for this year’s likely Halloween get-ups?

Signed,

Spooked

Dear Spooked,

It can definitely be a seasonal faux pas. When you meet someone at a party and say, “Great Sasquatch costume!” and they say, “I'm supposed to be Barbie,” well, awkward, for sure. When you guess that your portly pal’s Brad Pitt costume is really Alfred Hitchcock, chances are you have just lost a friend.

Mistakes happen. You see someone with eight legs and think “Scary spider!” but it’s actually a mash-up of Republican candidates for House Speaker. (And by the way, if you compliment someone on their amazing Donald Trump costume and the person answers, “No, I’m Nelson Mandela,” it means you're actually speaking to Donald Trump.)

Here are some other potential mix-ups for Halloween 2023.

Ghosts

This is a tricky one. Putting a sheet over one’s head is the time-honoured solution, the lazy person's costume, the last-minute replacement for a failed Halloween construction. But nowadays it can lead to confusion. Who else puts sheets over themselves and goes out to terrify people at night? What if there’s a bunch of people wearing sheets and then you notice they’re also wearing hoods? Are tiki torches and “They will not replace us” chants a Halloween thing? Don't hand out the Snickers until you’re sure.

But OK, maybe this person wearing a sheet is supposed to be a ghost. Which one? It could be Trudeau's carbon tax. It could be the BC Liberal Party, Twitter or Rudy Giuliani's reputation. Perhaps it is the cherished dream of home ownership. RIP. Best just to give an appreciative shudder and say nothing.

Witch

At Halloween there is no need to go looking for witches — they will come right to your door. Give them candy, and if you ask nicely the witch will give you top secret documents and perhaps even nuclear launch codes. Don’t do this before Halloween though. You’'ll be accused of a witch hunt.

Geeky-looking guy with glasses

This one is open to all sorts of misrepresentations. You see someone with a pair of specs and a little Dippity Do in their hair and who is it? Pierre Poilievre? Stephen Colbert? Kevin Falcon? Maybe newly elected U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson? Someone could wear a tutu, carrot nose and a pair of flippers and say they were Mike Johnson. Who would know? But if a Halloween apple is being eaten in a weirdly hostile fashion, it’s Poilievre.

Movie characters

Put on a wide-brimmed hat. Who are you? Depends on the accessories — with a whip, Indiana Jones. With a pipe, Oppenheimer. With steel claws, Freddy Krueger.

Barbie is sure to be among the most popular choices this year, but be careful. Examine the costume details first. Blond hair — check. Quality footwear — check. References to “gazpacho police” — hang on, that’s Marjorie Taylor Greene. Writing a bad cheque in high heels? Might be George Santos. Don’t assume.

Tramp

A popular costume once upon a time — throw on some patchy clothes, put a bindle on a stick, smudge one's face with shoe polish — it has perhaps fallen out of favour as a cruel mockery of economic injustice. But not so fast. It might be someone who was at Burning Man. Or perhaps your neighbour just splurged on 2023 Halloween candy.

Zombie

You don't know for sure it's a zombie. It might be someone who still thinks Elon Musk is a genius.

Taylor Swift

Yes, it’s Taylor Swift. Congratulations, you got it. Think you'll get points for that? Wrong, chump. It’s the Eras Tour. So which Swift era is it? Red? 1989? Folklore? Nail down the specific persona or you will earn nothing but scorn from the costumed Swiftie. (Tip: Try to figure out whether the Swiftie's companion is supposed to be Harry Styles or Jake Gyllenhaal.)

Trump or Pumpkin?

Is it orange? Is it hollow? Is it facing 91 felony charges? Not a pumpkin.

Alberta Pension Plan

It is not clear what this costume would look like — a smoking crater? A plunging arrow? Al Capone's vault? Premier Danielle Smith proclaiming “I just had another great idea!” while a group of advisors weep, tear their garments and attempt to throw themselves into traffic? At any rate, if a costume fills you with a sense of despair at the current stewardship of Canadian public affairs, it could very well be Smith-related.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.