Please Advise! Can Any Halloween Costume Be Scarier than Reality?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

What are the hottest Halloween costumes this year?

Signed,

Frank N.

Dear Doctor Stein,

Halloween always comes with safety warnings. This year will require its own particular precautions. Some options:

Paper Bag

A classic. This year putting a paper bag over one's head offers a number of interpretations. It could be your response to inflation, an indication that this is all you could afford. It might indicate your support for the move away from single-use plastic bags at grocery stores (plastic shopping bag headgear has led to many Halloween tragedies).

But the most obvious theme of the paper-bag-on-head outfit is that you are a Vancouver Canucks fan. Frowny-paper-bag-on-head is the typical emblem of shame in sports fandom. Just remember to poke eye holes in the bag so that you will enjoy the vision that Canucks’ management apparently lacks.

Alternately, you could dress up like James Bond carrying a hockey stick. He's 007, they're 0-7. Close enough.

Sheriff

This one gets into tricky territory. Sure, you can get a fake badge and call yourself a marshall on Halloween, but the downside is you may find yourself a viable candidate for U.S. senator from Georgia. Republican candidate Herschel Walker flashed a toy badge at a recent debate and falsely claimed (not for the first time) to be a real lawman. Later his campaign doubled down and produced 1,000 toy badges for Walker supporters, all of whom are now presumably agents of the law.

This has implications that go far beyond the Georgia race, extending to the concept of Halloween itself. If, as Walker argues, a toy badge makes you a sheriff, what happens if you dress up as a vampire? Are you ready to follow through? If your costume is from Squid Game, are you willing to do what is necessary to defeat other trick-or-treaters? If you dress as a werewolf, will you truly be able to lick yourself all over?

Think about it, friends. Herschel Walker has reset the bar for role-playing.

Ghost

Just a sheet over the head, but this one is really all about the accessories. With the proper labels you could be a variety of things. The NPA after the Vancouver civic elections, for instance. Perhaps James Corden's nice-guy image or Kanye West's endorsement deals. Also, with a prop knife in your back you could be Anjali Appadurai's leadership campaign.

Box of confidential documents

This costume might be a bit chilly, since the key is to lie around with all your private parts showing.

Sexy nurse

Sexy nurse? After a 12-hour shift in an overcrowded, short-staffed facility, followed by an emergency fill-in shift six hours later because someone called in sick? Good luck with that.

Soup on a Painting

This costume makes a statement, sort of, maybe. Some assembly and tortured explanation required.

Head of lettuce

Popular thanks to the U.K. tabloid that pitted the life of a lettuce head against Liz Truss's tenure as prime minister, with the lettuce claiming victory. But you might require some signage on your lettuce and/or cabbage head. Otherwise people might think you are actually Marjorie Taylor Greene. Which kind of works too.

Pierre Poilievre

You'll need glasses, a suit, a group of scary companions you disavow all knowledge of and a plan to put more crypto-candy in Canadian pockets. Standing on your doorstep you will promise the kiddies Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and full-size Snickers bars. But when the trick-or-treaters get home they will discover bags full of candy corn and circus peanuts. You will blame Justin Trudeau for this.

Complaints? Sorry, can't hear them over the truck horns. Besides, Halloween is socialism. Get a job, you little brats.

Hockey Canada

Dr. Steve does not recommend you dress as Hockey Canada. Try something more acceptable, like a homicidal clown.