Please Advise! How Bad Are the US Election Results?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a Ph.D in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

So far the U.S. midterm results are looking like a surprisingly mixed bag. What is your take?

Signed,

Split

Dear Split,

Every political campaign has its theme songs. When it comes to U.S. elections, voteless Canadians have their own — Peter Gabriel's “Shock the Monkey.” We are like helpless captives strapped to a laboratory table and shocked until we realize it is useless even to struggle. How bad would the shocks be this year?

Well, at press time the electrodes were still buzzing, but the current has not delivered the brain-frying jolts many were predicting. The widely predicted Republican wave was looking more like a puddle from a blocked sewer drain.

There were even some bizarre moments of sanity breaking out — as of 9 p.m. PST, Colorado congress-clown Lauren Boebert was losing (though the New York Times predicted she’d pull it out). On the other hand Herschel Walker, the cruel political science experiment from Georgia, was actually in the lead in the Senate race, with a run-off election still possible. It seems too much to be believe. If Herschel Walker can be a senator, Kanye West can become a congressman for Brooklyn. Waiters will vote for James Corden. Anyway, whether or not Walker wins, he's still going to show up on Capitol Hill with a toy senator badge regardless.

Midterms are usually bad news for the party in the White House, since when you are the incumbent you get blamed. Price of gas up? Blame Joe Biden. Upstairs neighbour practicing the bagpipes? Curse the government. Kids today? The Dems' fault. People mocking you because you overpaid for Twitter and then immediately started screwing it up? Vote Republican! (Alas, if only Elon Musk would attempt to take over the Republican party. That's where his magic administrative touch might actually do some good.)

Whether independent U.S. voters have noticed or not, their political landscape has changed. The Coke vs. Pepsi approach to politics is so deeply ingrained it does not seem to matter that Pepsi has been replaced by carbonated cyanide. It's McDonald's vs. Burger King, but now with a king who will decapitate anyone caught with a Big Mac. It's a Super Bowl featuring the Seahawks vs. the Lions, but now with actual lions. When asked about the resulting field full of bloody entrails, most viewers will probably say they were only watching for the funny ads.

Former president Barack Obama and other Democrats warned, “Democracy is on the ballot.” According to some pundits, that was a mistake. “That's not a unifying message,” said Washington Post contributor and GOP flack Gary Abernathy on PBS Tuesday night. Hilary Rosen, a Democratic consultant, recently told CNN: “When voters tell you over and over and over again that they care mostly about the economy, listen to them. Stop talking about democracy being at stake.”

In other words: Hey Paul Revere, knock it off with all the yelling! People are trying to get some sleep.

Over 100 GOP election-deniers won their races Tuesday night, but sure, stop talking about the threat to democracy. Start talking about how you're going to chain illegal immigrants together and force them to give free pedicures to honest, hard-working Americans. And while you're at it, doctors, stop talking about vaccination and masking. People are tired of it.

Last summer Democrats got a surge of enthusiasm after the Supreme Court decision striking down Roe v. Wade. But many pundits believed the anger had faded. Last week CNN suggested focusing on abortion was “a massive mistake.”

Did something happen in those four months? Was a woman's right to control her own body magically reinstated? What changed, then? Football season started?

Dr. Steve wonders what those pundits might have predicted about the invasion of Ukraine. Sure, Vladimir Putin invaded your country, but that was months ago. Move on.

Whether it was abortion, the threat to democracy, or the looming spectre of that jaundiced laundry sack who haunts Mar-a-Lago, it appears Democrats were motivated after all. Trump-endorsed candidates scored some wins but many more embarrassing losses. As of this writing TV quack and failed Pennsylvania transplant Dr Oz. looks like he may have to program the GPS for New Jersey, as he is trailing Democrat John Fetterman.

A better-than-expected night for the Dems but it may not prove to be enough. The Herschel Walker-Raphael Warnock Senate race is the true bellwether of American politics in 2022, and it shows that polarization is total. They often say in America, anything is possible. And Herschel Walker may well demonstrate once again what a double-edged sword that maxim can be.