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Opinion
Politics

Please Advise! Your Spookiest Costume Ideas!

This year has been an endless source of inspiration, but some things are too scary to consider — even for Doc Steve.

Steve Burgess 27 Oct 2021TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.
HalloweenCostumesCartoon.jpg
Our resident spin doc has some suggestions on making your last-minute costumes kill at trick-or-treating this year. Cartoon by Greg Perry.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Halloween is coming this weekend! Any costume suggestions?

Signed,

Treaty

Dear Treaty,

Of course, everybody will want to be a Flaming Toxic Container Ship, right? Yawn. Some other possibilities:

New Defence Minister Anita Anand

Pretty straightforward — just requires a name tag and a hazmat suit.

Anti-Masker

You’ll need a mask of someone who isn’t wearing one. Bonus points if it’s Jason Kenney or Scott Moe.

Supply Chain Problems

This one’s easy. Could be chilly trick-or-treating in your underwear, though. And of course, you run the risk of having your “Trick or treat” answered with a shrug: “Sorry, kid. Like you say...”

Space Billionaire

The danger with this costume is that everyone will give you Rockets. And no one wants that.

Rogers Communications Board of Governors

You will need one set of 14 friends, a second set of 14 friends and 14 chairs. Everybody will fight for the chairs. For extra veracity, don’t go out trick-or-treating at all.

Giant Worm

This could go two ways. It could be inspired by the new movie adaptation of Frank Herbert’s Dune. Or it could be the insides of a horse whose Ivermectin got swiped by some dude in a tinfoil hat.

2025 Liberal Party Leader

According to Justin Trudeau, that means a Justin Trudeau costume. Others would direct you to the womenswear section.

Facebook

You walk up to the house in an adorable kitten costume, and after you’re gone the homeowners discover you have somehow managed to undermine the foundations.

Amazon

It’s a box. You are inside the box. The box is closed. You can go to the bathroom when your trick-or-treating shift is over. Most of the candy goes elsewhere.

Inflation

Wait for the candy, then ask for an extra 4.4 per cent.

Ryan Reynolds/Dolly Parton

Start with the halo and wings, then take it in whichever direction you prefer.

Atmospheric River

You’ll need a big water tank and a spray nozzle. Get the candy first though. Bomb cyclone is an acceptable variation, but if you go with that option in Vancouver, be prepared for a disappointing payoff.

Alphonso Davies

For this you will want a red Team Canada shirt, soccer shoes and the ability to cross half of a soccer pitch at the speed of Usain Bolt before delicately plucking a ball off the sideline and eventually sending it into the net. Some assembly required.

The Vague Lingering Anxiety and Ennui of a Pandemic That is Still Not Really Over

This one is really all in the facial expressions. Look closely at the people who come to the door and do like them.

The Future

Forget it. Even for Halloween, this one is too damn scary. [Tyee]

Read more: Politics

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