Please Advise! Why Is David Eby So Lonely?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The UCP leadership race in Alberta has a full slate of candidates. In B.C., the contest to replace NDP Premier John Horgan has only one declared contender, David Eby. What accounts for the difference?

Signed,

Fan of Competition

Dear Comp,

It does seem odd, doesn't it? Why such a clamour to fill Jason Kenney's job? It's not like people are lining up to grab Rudy Giuliani's law office. Is no one concerned about the stench of failure in the curtains and rugs? That can be an expensive cleaning job.

At any rate there are enough declared hopefuls in the Alberta contest to make it a Canadian version of the annual Gloucester Cheese-Rolling at Cooper's Hill. As in that fabled contest, there are casualties along the way as racers tumble and roll in pursuit of the prize. And as in that event, the UCP race has been downhill all the way.

The casualty list: Candidate Jon Horsman, a redshirt ensign from the git-go, dropped out at the deadline. Small town mayor Bill Rock had earlier dropped out and endorsed Horsman, which means he was a passenger in Horsman's shuttle craft when it was incinerated by a Klingon death ray. Former Alberta Liberal leader Raj Sherman did not drop out however — he was forcibly ejected as though expelled into space by Sigourney Weaver. The UCP will tolerate a lot of stuff, but a Liberal? Blow that alien out of the airlock.

That leaves eight candidates who met the considerable hurdles to qualify for the Oct. 6 vote, including $175,000 in fees (as opposed to $15,000 in the BC NDP race). You can't be leader of the UCP with a lemonade stand, kid.

Twenty-three-time Gloucester Cheese-Roll champion Chris Anderson claims he won one race while unconscious, having suffered a concussion descending the slope. Something similar may also be happening in the UCP race. It would explain some of the proposals put forward by former Wildrose leader Danielle Smith. Smith has promised to make federal law non-applicable in Alberta, essentially hanging a big “JUSTIN KEEP OUT” sign on the treehouse door.

That's not all. Smith wants an Alberta police force, an Alberta tax collection agency, and laws that will make Albertans drive on the left side of the road and drink warm beer. Dr. Steve may have invented those last two initiatives but Smith can borrow them with his compliments. After all, Alberta was named after Queen Victoria's daughter in 1882, and that happens to be the exact year Smith would like to return to.

By contrast the BC NDP race to replace John Horgan currently has a field of one. One is not a field. One is not even a patio. One is a wilting begonia in a small pot on the window sill. As the Zen koan puts it, what is the sound of one candidate debating?

The NDP have been doing quite well in the polls while the UCP have not. Wouldn't the B.C. gig seem more attractive? Not at all, as all show biz veterans know. You don't want a hard act to follow.

John Horgan has been, in purely political terms, the most successful BC NDP leader ever. Horgan somehow comes off as a regular hard-hat guy who managed to earn a PhD on his lunch breaks. Eby comes off more like his professor. Not a terrible thing, but not as broadly appealing either. The next B.C. premier will have some big work boots to fill.

By contrast, taking over the UCP right now is like becoming the new Rogers chief technology officer. You'll look good if you know how to reset the clock on your phone.

In SPQR, Mary Beard's history of ancient Rome, she tells a story of a first-century BCE comedian who made the wrong jokes while performing for a small-town audience and was promptly attacked and murdered. Then the next performer had to come onstage. That's a hard act to follow.

As Beard recounts, the nervous successor opened with an eloquent plea for mercy. Not a bad idea for whoever becomes the next Alberta premier. There is a lot to apologize for.