[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
First of all, let me protest this unwarranted encroachment into two respected professional fields: political consulting and satire. This is like one of those bogus online contests to create a new company logo which is in reality just an attempt to avoid paying a graphic artist. Citizens are being enlisted to do the work of professional advisors and in the process will also end up doing the work of professional humourists, suggesting names like “BC Lie-berals” and “Party McPartyface.”
Nonetheless, it is an unavoidable task — so unavoidable in fact that Dr. Steve has already taken one run at it. Nonetheless, his earlier suggestions were ignored, and thus it is necessary to cast yet more pearls before swine. More options for the Party to be Named Later.
The BC Liberal name has long been misleading as to the party's actual program. Falcon' Right will emphasize its real political stance, and new leader Kevin Falcon will certainly appreciate a name that recognizes his position in an enthusiastic and irreverent fashion. Variations on the theme: Falcon' A, or (a personal favourite) Falcon AF.
Free Gas Party
Job one is winning, friendo. Get elected first, worry about the rest later.
The 'We Don't Need No Stinking Museum' Party
At least this one will be easier to deliver than a promise of free gas.
BC Political Party
No-name products are a reliable marker of frugality, and fiscal responsibility is a key plank for any right-wing party. Why pay extra for expensive labels? A generic party offers the same old promises for less. The no-name philosophy could extend throughout the party platform, too. For instance, how much would that new Victoria facility cost if you just painted it yellow and called it “Museum”? Possible big savings there.
Standing for “Pacific Coast,” of course. If the BC Liberals are going to have a name that gets confused with a national political organization, at least make the confusion ideologically appropriate.
Lots of great merchandising with this one. Also, Kraken is a name currently associated with a new NHL franchise. The perception of a fresh start is surely one of the strategic goals here. Yes, there have been losing seasons, but surely it's all uphill from here. Release the Falcon!
A nice link to the past. As a bonus, it offers some anti-mask and anti-vax connotations. Alternately, Truth Social (Credit) would give you a solid ideological tie-in too.
It's a fine nameplate with a loyal following, and it's available. Toys "R" Us also seems like a natural brand for a political party. Nobody's currently using New Coke either. Or how about Eaton's? A Canadian institution that offered a guaranteed return policy if not fully satisfied. OK, Kevin says, on second thought maybe not Eaton's.
The Crypto Crew
With Pierre Poilievre looking like a lock for the federal Conservative leadership, getting in tune with the national right-wing movement could be a matter of lining up with Poilievre priorities. Crypto love ranks high. It also helps if you blame Justin Trudeau for everything from disappointing Jurassic Park sequels to monkeypox.
BC Freeeeeeeeedooooooooom Party
This one comes with its own convoy. Gas prices being where they are, that could be a considerable financial bonus. Plus it's a sure-fire winner come the debates — just try arguing with a truck horn. Honk if you love Kevin!
Throw an “F-for-Falcon” on the front and call it a day.
No more submissions, thank you. We're done here.
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