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Opinion
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Media

Please Advise! What’s Santa Gifting This Terrible Year?

We’ve all had another hard one. You’d think at least the gifts would be decent.

Steve Burgess 2 Dec 2021 | TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Santa,

What are the hottest gifts in Santa’s sack for 2021?

Signed,

Early Shoppers

Dear Consumers,

Have you all been good little boys and girls? You have? Then Santa has a lot to answer for, that rat bastard. We have been kicked around like Job this year. Let’s be honest, we’ll all be lucky to get so much as a five-pack of ramen noodles under the tree. Hell, you’re a one percenter if you have a tree at all. But for those still inclined to shop, here is a selection of 2021’s most desirable gifts:

Sally Sand Bag

This year’s hottest doll, Sally Sand Bag, is a sand-filled sack, with maybe a face painted on it or something. Sold in lots of 600 only. Don’t cry kid, your brave doll gave its life for the community.

Even More Bags

So versatile! Fill them with sand, fill them with the rolls of toilet paper you got after waving a shiv at a crowd of desperate seniors at No Frills, fill them with your most precious belongings as you flee fire/flood/pestilence, wear one on your head to hide your shame at Canucks games.

Flesh-Eating Bees

OK, who’s the asshole who asked Santa for flesh-eating bees? Well, Santa doesn’t ask questions, and now here they are. Thanks for nothing, old man.

Maple Syrup

A traditional gift, but this year it is truly precious. Quebec producers have released 22.7 million kilograms from their strategic syrup reserve to compensate for a mediocre production year in a time of higher demand.

Let’s pause here for a moment to acknowledge how adorable it is that Canada has a Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve. Strategic, as in military strategy? Is the plan to stop an invading force by making them really sticky? And are there other Canadian strategic reserves? Is there a Strategic Drake Reserve? The Strategic Poutine Reserve must be one truly disgusting warehouse.

Back to the Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve. Will the prospect of a shortfall result in panic buying? Depends. If the government were to announce tomorrow that everyone is limited to 30 litres of maple syrup, recent history suggests shoppers would drive their pickups to the store and fill jerry cans with 100 litres of the stuff while screaming about tyranny. It’s worth a shot, syrup marketers.

30 Litres of Gas

Everybody in B.C. is currently allowed 30 litres of gas, so it’s the perfect gift. But what if the person you’re shopping for doesn’t have a car? No problem — get them a leaf blower, a real monster like the Annihil-Leafer 8000. That baby could part the Red Sea. Your bicycle-owning loved one can announce, “Wake up neighbour! I can burn off my allotment too!”

Alabama Ravine Bingo

Recently, a FedEx Ground driver in Alabama was found to have dumped hundreds of packages into a ravine instead of delivering them. Early reports that the ravine was located just outside of the town of Whoville have been denied.

While apologizing for the incident, FedEx reminded the public that it delivered over three billion packages during the holiday season last year. And to be fair, these packages were also delivered, to a ravine.

Although FedEx is attempting to direct the packages to their intended destinations, other solutions suggest themselves. Why not turn the enticing pile of Alabama packages into a special “Secret Santa” event? Will your package contain a soggy sweater and a live frog? A pond-slimed iPhone? How exciting!

Best of all, FedEx may just have taken care of your entire out-of-town holiday gift list in one fell swoop. Come Dec. 26, when all of your out-of-province relatives call up to mention as casually as possible that not a single parcel has arrived from you, you express incredulity. “I don't understand,” you stammer. “They were all shipped specially from FedEx Birmingham....”

Painting Stuffed with Methamphetamine

Gift ideas are wherever you find them. This inventive holiday tradition comes from Western Australia.

Tim Hortons' 'TimBiebs'

Surely you know someone who has been very bad this year. Besides, Santa is phasing out coal.  [Tyee]

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