Please Advise! The Border Is Open, Dare We Go?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The U.S.-Canada border is opening up! The U.S. government says vaccinated Canadians will be allowed to enter by land starting sometime in early November. Got any plans?

Signed,

Itchy Feet

Dear IF,

You have to feel bad for Meng Wanzhou. All that time spent waiting for a trip to the U.S., and then she goes home just before things open up.

Many Canadians will be anxious to get moving. There will be gas shortages as snowbirds fuel up ravenous RVs. People’s Party Leader Maxime Bernier will probably hitch a ride to go run for governor of Florida. The Vancouver Canucks will go south to battle sea monsters.

As for Dr. Steve, he had long been looking forward to that traditional Canadian vacation trip — heading south to burn the White House and the Capitol Building.

But give credit to our neighbours — in the absence of Canadian visitors, those resourceful Yanks got that DIY attitude. These days, they no longer need outside invaders to attack and trash their government buildings. Really, the pandemic has made us all more self-reliant.

Now that the land border is opening, many Canadians will no doubt be eager to get away. Doug McCallum, for instance. Global News has revealed that the RCMP has requested raw footage of an interview with the Surrey mayor, related to an investigation of a possible mischief charge over his version of a confrontation at a Save-On-Foods. (He says a woman ran over his foot.) While nothing has been proven, could McCallum, in theory, make a limping dash for freedom? Will he hole up in some seedy Bellingham dive, peeking through the venetian blinds to scan the street for signs of the heat? At least now he has that option.

For many of us, the travel options will open up. Time travel, for instance. It will soon be possible for Canadians to go backwards into a different era, a.k.a. Texas. Veteran Canadian time traveller William Shatner has shown us the way. As Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, he was an old hand at travelling through rifts in the space-time continuum. And this week he travelled to a launch site southeast of El Paso, rode a rocket to space, and then returned to Texas — a voyage that employed 21st-century technology and ended up back in a 19th-century state. Thanks to the anti-vax, anti-abortion and anti-immigrant edicts of Gov. Greg Abbott and Texas Republicans, residents of the Lone Star State have brought back the good old days of leeches, butter churns and night riders. Your travel agent will have brochures.

There is still some question about whether Canadian travellers will be allowed into the U.S. if they received mixed vaccines, such as one shot of AstraZeneca and one of Moderna. Clinical trials are going on right now. Americans may be concerned that mixing vaccines could lead to conditions such as increased support for a single-payer health-care system, a love of curling or a tendency to sell milk in bags. If it is found that mixing AZ and Pfizer leads to the metric system, the border could seal up again, quick.

If you do decide to go, remember the Americans have been suffering from serious supply chain issues of late. So take along some extra Pringles, toilet paper, and of course, Kevlar. They’ll appreciate it. Happy travels!