Please Advise! How Do Failed Politicians Rejoin the Workforce?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Manitoba premier Brian Pallister has announced he will not run for re-election. Meanwhile New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced this week he is resigning in two weeks.

What do you think the future holds for these leaders?

Signed,

Job Seeker

Dear JS,

Well, if Andrew Cuomo wants to find a new job he can always try Monster.com. Thank you, you've been a great crowd, I'm here for another two weeks. Deal with it.

That's the handy thing about a gig like premier or governor. It's not like security shows up, gives you five minutes to collect your shit and escorts you to the door. Pallister and Cuomo can take their time making leisurely exits, pockets bulging with stolen pens and paper clips.

Pallister's announcement followed his July statements about the altruistically positive history of colonialism in Canada. Presumably Pallister's departure will come whenever the next election takes place — for now he is free to doodle on the walls of his spacious office or while away the days writing sonnets in praise of the British Raj.

After an investigation that confirmed his harassment of female employees Cuomo gave himself an extra fortnight to wear out that leather seat of power. If you're looking to make an appointment, maybe he can squeeze you in.

These lame-duck intervals can cause problems. Only consider the gap between the Nov. 3, 2020 U.S. election and the Jan. 20, 2021 presidential inauguration. There were a few snags in the interim. Still, Pallister is no Trump. It's unlikely he'll be able to generate quite the level of cult enthusiasm that causes grown men to paint their faces and don furry hats with horns. Luckily, he does have the Blue Bombers handy. Hijack a Bomber rally and he'll be good to go.

Giving yourself a long, slow re-entry slope is just one of the bonuses of political power. Setting your own salary and pensions is another. Then there's the endless ability to move the goalposts during the game. Football players may make more money but they don't get to take a victory lap after getting shelled 87-0. You only get to do that if you're premier of Alberta, or governor of Florida or Texas. When Team COVID is kicking your ass you can pull a Jason Kenney — declare that you're taking your regulations and going home. You cannot lose if you refuse to look at the scoreboard.

If the polls are to be believed Premier Kenney is another leader who might soon be looking for a new gig. What comes next for politicians like Kenney, Pallister and Cuomo?

Word is the outgoing New York governor may find it hard to land a job at a prestigious law firm. Stock boy is probably out too — he'd constantly be squeezing the Charmin. And the shoppers.

One recent plum job opening was hosting Jeopardy. Kenney in particular had a tremendous resumé to offer here — he's been jeopardizing the climate and public safety forever. Pallister would have come to the job complete with his own answers in history categories: “Yes! 'Who were the good guys?' is the correct response to 'They brought smallpox across the Atlantic!'”

Alas, too late. Mike Richards has been tapped as the new regular Jeopardy host despite a history of complaints by former female colleagues. Damn, Gov. Cuomo, that's gotta hurt. You'd have been perfect.

Let's not worry about these folks. They'll land on their feet. Pallister can always run for re-election in his home riding of Costa Rica. Kenney can pump gas. And Cuomo will make a champion Walmart greeter — he just needs a muzzle and a short leash. In fact if someone had thought of that earlier he could still be governor.