Please Advise! ‘BC Hug Day’ Must Be Stopped

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Now that COVID restrictions are finally easing, Dr. Bonnie Henry has suggested she would like to see a “BC Hug Day” scheduled for July.

Is there anything we can do about this?

Signed,

Don’t Touch Me

Dear DTM,

Dr. Steve is appalled. Hug Day? It’s the very definition of government overreach. For years Big Brother has been putting the squeeze on citizens. Now the squeeze will be literal.

Dr. Henry’s suggestion, if that’s what it was, came amidst her announcement that COVID restrictions are set to be eased in this province. A four-stage process will begin, dependent upon rates of vaccination rather than specific dates. But it is hoped that by early September, life will largely return to normal in B.C.

That alone seems a terrifying prospect. Do you realize that someday in the near future you may be receiving dinner invitations? And that replying with an indignant lecture about public health will no longer work? We will soon be returning to the days when you needed a plausible excuse to get out of a party. Do you even remember the excuses you used to use? Can you still deliver them convincingly? You’re rusty. You’ll stammer. You’ll panic, scream and throw your phone into English Bay. One way or another, it will be expensive.

Remember when Facebook was a constant rebuke, an endless stream of reminders that everybody else had better lives than you? Photos from Venice gondolas equipped with satellite TV, photos from a Norwegian luxury vacation treehouse, photos of well-behaved children and their wire fox terrier that recently won “Best of Breed” at the Westminster Dog Show? For a while all that content blissfully stopped, replaced with moaning and groaning about our common civic prison. Well, get ready. Feelings of inadequacy are coming back. Not to mention cruise ships.

But Dr. Henry didn’t care. She was on a roll Tuesday, standing there at the podium, positively giddy at the potential for a return to normal society, like some sort of sicko. She even talked hockey, suggesting that next year we will “maybe see the Canucks get into the playoffs again.”

That is wild, irresponsible talk. Does she have a plan for the power play? No. Does she support firing Canucks GM Jim Benning? Silence. And yet there is sinister evidence that Dr. Henry has indeed been meddling in the affairs of Vancouver’s NHL franchise. Consider: What was the nickname bestowed on the Canucks’ young star defenceman Quinn Hughes? Teammates call him... “Huggy.” Don’t try to tell Dr. Steve that’s a coincidence.

It’s hard to know what would motivate the government to do something like “Hug Day.” Think of the disastrous plunge in productivity that will result from this scheduled orgy of physical contact. Perhaps the government fears that the prospect of the pandemic’s end will leave us without a common cause. They believe we need a new focus, a new foe, a new unifying purpose — say, avoiding hugs.

The B.C. government has structured the easing of COVID restrictions to four stages. If we are to have a “Hug Day,” shouldn’t we ease into that too? Let’s not just spring it on people. There should be four hug stages:

1. The usual suspicion and hostility
2. Cautious sniffing, like strange dogs meeting at the park
3. A tentative shoulder-punch
4. Whatever. I commit to nothing

There are definitely good things about the government’s plan to relax restrictions. For example, the effect on the anti-mask, anti-vaxx crowd. They’ll be thrown into confusion. Sign-wavers have been crowing about battling totalitarian government for months. Now they see the Soros-funded Stalinist Nazis telling us to return to normal. Will they obey? Never! They’re not like those other sheeple. They’ll start wearing masks. They’ll follow the direction lines on the floor of the grocery store. And best of all, they’ll get vaccinated. Remember, Bill Gates wants you to relax your vigilance. Get the shot! Fight the power!

Dr. Henry’s announcement does make it clear that vaccines are making a difference to our future. And Dr. Steve believes we should embrace that future. Dr. Steve is not speaking literally. Assuming travel restrictions are relaxed, Dr. Steve plans to spend Hug Day in a Norwegian treehouse. Please hug responsibly.