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Opinion
Media

2020 Hindsight: The Year in Things That Broke

Some stuff just doesn’t work anymore. Steve Burgess takes stock.

Steve Burgess 23 Dec 2020TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.
Burgess2020.jpg
Columnist Steve Burgess takes on the unpleasant task of reliving 2020. Illustration by Dorothy Woodend.

Thanks to 2020, there are things that just don’t work so well anymore. A partial list.

Movies

Flying cars and alternate dimensions are not the most far-fetched elements of most movies. No, the truly unbelievable stuff is when characters say, “Oh no, now I see the terrible ramifications of my actions and will change my ways!” In the real world, 2020 has proved, people who have made up their minds will not be shaken by anything so trivial as consequences.

Seasons

NHL playoffs in summer? Basketball playoffs in fall? Christmas on Zoom? It’s wrong, wrong, wrong. We need to get to the bottom of this. Please join us for a press conference. It’s at the Four Seasons.

Classic rock

The enjoyment of classic rock has become more difficult of late. So many venerable rock gods have proved themselves to be reactionary old farts. Eric Clapton, Van Morrison, Johnny Rotten, Morrissey, Noel Gallagher, to name a few, were hitting sour notes this year. Remember, it’s not the singer, it’s the song. Especially if the singer is a dolt.

Cruise ships

This was the year that made cruise ship patrons long for the good old days of the norovirus.

Time travel

The standard time travel daydream/moral quandary has been: If you could travel back in time would it be ethical to kill Baby Hitler? In 2020 we discovered tens of millions of Americans would probably go back in time to vote for the little guy.

Math

Math is a conspiracy. Think of it — once you were 21 years old. People were calling to congratulate you on your incredible 21 years. But then they keep finding more years, a big dump of years. Suddenly they’re saying you’re not 21 anymore. Pretty fishy — it’s those Dominion calendars. Stop the count!

Religion

Religion had some setbacks this year. American televangelist Kenneth “X-Ray Eyes” Copeland’s efforts to cast out the coronavirus did not produce the results that might have been expected from such an earnest and sincere request. Spiritual advisor Paula White’s percussive attempt to summon Jesus that He might toot-toot the heavenly whistle on the Trump Train also fell flat.

Then there were the many churches in towns across North America that decided to preach the Gospel of What the Hell, Grandma’s Gotta Die Sometime Anyway.

Donald Trump went to church in 2020, too. If you’re the superstitious type, take note — it seems that clearing your path with tear gas and then standing in front of a church holding a Bible upside down might be bad luck.

Atheism

An atheist’s desperate prayer from the night of Nov. 2, 2020: Now I lay me down to sleep/ I pray the Lord to knock this creep/ Out of the White House with Your fist/ 'Cause otherwise You don’t exist.

Well, the Big Deity came through. Time to pay up, unbeliever!

The legal profession

People have always said nasty things about lawyers. But at least the profession retained its popular image as the province of sly and clever albeit sometimes unscrupulous advocates. Until 2020 — the year we were introduced to Donald Trump’s Elite Strike Force.

Trump’s legal team, with a record to rival the New York Jets, has included the likes of Sidney Powell, Jenna Ellis, Lin Wood, Joe “Death Threats” diGenova, and of course the king of them all, Rudy Giuliani. When they come for Rudy’s licence to practice law, he’ll bite down on a cyanide capsule, but it will turn out to be a Flintstones Chewable.

We can only hope that once Trump loses the legal protection of the presidency, he will retain the same team of lawyers. That will be fun to watch.

Bleach

Not just for cleaning anymore!

Marie Kondo

2020 proved there are some messes too big even for her. [Tyee]

Read more: Media

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