Please Advise! Does the Lord Want More Pipelines?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Speaking recently at at the Alberta Christian Leadership Summit, Premier Danielle Smith said a new pipeline can be justified through the teachings of Jesus. “I’m sure you remember the Parable of the Talents in the Gospel of Matthew,” Smith told the audience. “In it, Jesus teaches about stewardship.”

Do you think Jesus loved pipelines, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Simon Peter

Dear SP,

The Bible is full of great stuff. It’s a rhetorical Swiss Army knife, as useful as duct tape and WD-40 for trussing up an argument. Here’s a few great Bible bits for possible use by Premier Smith:

Psalm 45:7: “You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness beyond your companions.” (Companions: That would be wicked B.C. No oil of gladness for us.)

Zechariah 10:8: “With the sound of the pipe I will get them together; for I have given the price to make them free.” (An uncanny prediction of Smith's negotiations with Prime Minister Mark Carney. The price for the pipe was some sort of carbon-sequestration thingy. Never mind. The pipe is the important thing.)

Some interpretation is required with such scriptural passages, of course. Take Psalm 146: “Praise the Lord from the earth, you great sea creatures and all deeps...” Some might suggest the earth, the great sea creatures and the ocean depths are all under the protection of the Lord. Nonsense. The point here, as Smith could surely explain, is that the Lord knows what's best (see above: oil of gladness), so you should get with the program. Hallelujah!

It goes beyond oil. How about this famous zinger from 2 Corinthians: “Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord.” No mention of a referendum, but it’s implied. And that’s the verdict from the real Supreme Court. Amen.

Smith is definitely on to something here. Call it Christian nationalism, call it political opportunism, call it theocracy, but in the Trump era political Christianity is hot. Christianity has become an all-purpose political tool — a hammer, a drill, a multi-head screwdriver for whomever the faithful want to screw over.

To be a political Christian is to be as nimble as an Olympic gymnast, as adaptable as a tardigrade, as slippery as a wet salamander. If you’ve ever seen an octopus squeezing itself through a narrow pipe, you will recognize the spectacle of U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson reconciling his Christian faith with support for the soulless sexual predator in the White House. Johnson seems to have skipped over Proverbs 28:4: “Those who have no respect for the law give praise to the evil-doer; but such as keep the law are against him.”

The Alberta Christian Leadership Summit promised a “direct dialogue between Christian leadership and Alberta’s government” to shape government.

For a big price. As Mary Stuart and Geoff Dembicki reported for The Tyee, about 100 Alberta faith leaders signed an open letter claiming that the $360 entry fee excluded all but the most well-resourced and politically connected Christian leaders. Proverbs 28:11 says: “The man of wealth seems to himself to be wise, but the poor man who has sense has a low opinion of him.” You could have quoted that to Premier Smith, if you ponied up $360.

Another verse overlooked at the summit comes from James 1:27: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Again, interpretation is needed here. The point is, you keep yourself from being polluted by the world; there's nothing in there about not polluting the world yourself. Feel free. The Lord winks his blessing upon you, saith Smith.

The key is knowing who to listen to. Not the Pope, but JD Vance; not the climate crazies, but Smith.

Unfortunately, Biblical quotes can only get you so far. Proverbs 28:16 says: “The prince who has no sense is a cruel ruler; but he who has no desire to get profit for himself will have long life.”

Donald Trump is 79 years old. Nice try, Proverbs. They can’t all be winners.