Please Advise! Can I Hit Mute on Alberta?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Lots of news about Alberta separatists lately. A report indicates the movement is being boosted by outside influence from both the United States and Russia.

Meanwhile a massive data breach has been traced to the separatist Centurion Project, which has connections to at least one senior member of the UCP. And Premier Danielle Smith continues to whine about the need to placate separatists with pipelines etc.

Is there an “off” switch for all this, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Sepsis

Dear Sep,

Separatism is about choosing a side, declaring your allegiance, deciding which team you are on. But in some cases, you don't get to choose. Your team chooses you.

An Alberta separatist may claim he does not identify with Team Russia. Too bad. It's a schoolyard pick, comrade, and Putin just picked you. Expect a draft notice in the mail.

A bunch of Alberta halfwits who want to break up the country will naturally attract Russian bots like raccoons to a Domino's dumpster. The news that U.S. and Russian influencers are helping push Alberta separatism is about as shocking as another Cybertruck recall. (The latest is because Tesla says the wheels might fall off. Pete Hegseth has probably received a similar warning about the war in Iran.)

But who are we kidding? The attraction is mutual, and it all goes through Trump. Alberta separatists love Trump like dung beetles love dung, and Trump loves Putin like Kermit the Frog loved Jim Henson. UCP, Trump, Putin — you could call it a ménage à trois. The Albertans couldn't, though. That would be bilingualism.

Does it not seem problematic when you find out that your ideological compatriots are Russian trolls? It brings to mind the classic Mitchell and Webb routine in which a Nazi soldier looks around at all the death's head memorabilia and asks, “Are we the baddies?” These fantasy dudes should remember that someday they will have to stand in judgment before Gandalf the White.

Smith and the United Conservative Party are of course denying any official connection to the separatists. But like Kash Patel's breath mints, the coverup is fooling no one. UCP caucus director of stakeholder relations Arundeep Sandhu was in attendance at a Centurion Project meeting intended to instruct members on how to use the organization's database — the one with the unauthorized data of 2.9 million Alberta voters. (By the way, isn't that the sort of Big Brother stuff that is supposed to inspire the average right-wing warrior to heroic martyrdom? Or is that just for vaccines? Apparently the surveillance state is hunky-dory with these freedom fighters now. Next they'll be lining up for microchip implants.)

The Alberta NDP have pointed out that a certain Rob Smith was also at the Centurion Project event — Rob Smith being the name of the UCP president — but the party insists it was a different Rob Smith. Perhaps it was a different guy. But it seems fair to consider the context. Waldo alone on a desert island? Likely a different Waldo. A red-stripey separatist in a crowd? That, friends, is 100 per cent Waldo.

Do you believe Smith has no connection to the separatists? Do you believe Diet Coke kills cancer cells? Smith is busy shouting “Fire!” while pumping away at the bellows. She has previously suggested that a new pipeline will prove to Alberta that Confederation works. Canada works, in other words, when Alberta gets whatever it wants. Smith's idea of wedding vows must go something like, “Till death do us part, or until somebody leaves the toilet seat up. And I mean once.”

On Global TV's The West Block this weekend, Smith proclaimed that Albertans “just see things a little different.” Asked by interviewer David Akin whether a pipeline would mollify separatists, Smith cited other issues, such as guns and immigration. If the interview had lasted another five minutes, we would surely have been told that they're eating the cats, they're eating the dogs, and the east wing of the Alberta legislature is going to be replaced by a ballroom.

Smith definitely plays four-down football and saves her flag-waving for the Fourth of July. If it is indeed time to pick a team, Albertans may have to choose between Team Canada and the UCP.