Please Advise! Will Testicle-Tanning Tucker Carlson Invade Canada?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Tucker Carlson is going off about Canada again. On an episode of The Tucker Carlson Show last week he called Canada “a police state under the influence of China,” a country that is “completely falling apart” in a state of “domestic chaos,” claiming the government has murdered almost 100,000 people through a “state-sponsored killing program.”

Carlson mentioned Canada’s vast oil reserves and said a case could be made for “regime change... by force if necessary.”

Should we be worried, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

F. Tucker

Dear FT,

Well, that’s what we get for selling them cheap drugs.

Carlson has called for a takeover of Canada before, so now he’s just playing the hits. But fans love it when you put a fresh spin on the classics, which may be why he’s added the government massacre angle.

The “state-sponsored killing program” Carlson referred to seems to be MAID, the medical assistance in dying program. In 2023, 15,343 people received MAID. Another 2,906 died before their requests for MAID could be processed. They, the lucky ones, escaped the clutches of Canada’s state killing machine.

As for the rest of us, we live in daily terror. Make the mistake of sneezing in public, and you will be chased down the street by government goons waving hypodermics full of propofol. The French maid outfits are cute, though.

Carlson says we’re a “police state”? Perhaps he saw some footage from Minneapolis and got the geolocation wrong? Perhaps he heard Canada has plenty of ice and assumed it was in all caps?

Or perhaps the Tuckster simply sees the president of the United States spiralling deeper and deeper into his malignant quagmire of hateful delusion and figures, “Hey, better get my order in quick.” You got a wacky idea? Strike while the loon is barking.

Easter Sunday, Trump was acting crazier than an egg-laying rabbit. “Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell — JUST WATCH,” Trump posted, before adding a reference most Muslims would likely consider blasphemous.

It’s always projection with this guy. Trump calls the Iranians “crazy bastards”? He might as well have called them “Big Mac-gobbling golf cheats.” It's remarkable, really — Pete Hegseth has a history of drinking problems but even he can’t match Trump for fatuous drivel. The commander of the world's most powerful military is a man you couldn't safely take to a school play. If Trump moved into your neighbourhood, you would buy bear spray. Neighbours would be taping his picture to lampposts, labelled “DO NOT APPROACH.”

Recently the news has been enough to give you whiplash. Do you focus on the Artemis II lunar mission, or the lunatic in the White House? Some Canadians might be experiencing a case of moon envy. London, Ontario's Jeremy Hansen is currently aboard the Orion spacecraft that will travel farther into deep space than any previous voyage. Seems pretty sweet right about now. It must be like getting sent to Exile Island on Survivor — a chance to escape whatever craziness is happening back there with the tribe. Best-case scenario, they'll meet up with Major Tom and start jamming with the Spiders from Mars. Cancel those return tickets.

On the other hand, Carlson’s feverish anti-Canada rant makes you wonder what’s going on aboard that capsule. Is it a space kidnapping? Are the Americans attempting MAGA conversion therapy? Will solar radiation flood the crew’s bodies like Tucker Carlson's testicle-tanning regime, making Trump-toned Hegseth clones out of bros, gals and Canadians alike?

If the mass conversion effort fails, Carlson surely believes Canadians will remain under the boot of our Chinese government overlords, in spite of his clarion call for freedom. “You could make a human rights case to invade Canada,” Carlson said. “If ever there was a people that needed liberation from a government that hates them, it’s the Canadians.”

As American patriot Patrick Henry once said: “Give me liberty or give me death!”

To be clear, Carlson does not necessarily endorse that last part.