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[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
Last weekend's time change will be B.C.’s last. From now on the province will be on permanent daylight time. Some are happy about this, others say it’s a mistake, while still others say if we were going to stick with one time zone, we should have chosen Pacific standard time.
What's your take?
Signed,
Enya
Dear Enya,
It’s worse than critics are saying. Remember, we are often told that when changing clocks, it’s a wise idea to check smoke alarm batteries too. Apparently Premier David Evil thinks otherwise. He'd clearly love to see every home in the province burn to the ground. That's the NDP housing plan. Appalling.
Why are we even discussing this, anyway? This is the Apple Watch era. Time is irrelevant. A watch is for checking your blood oxygen level while paying for an Amy Poehler podcast hoodie. Using it to tell time? That’s like talking on your phone. Strictly for losers.
Still, with B.C. on permanent daylight time some questions will arise. When is Hammer Time? Will you still have to change all the alarms on your Pink Floyd album? And does this mean Bob Dylan was wrong about everything?
The main complaint of the Pacific standard time advocates is the dark winter mornings that await us with sunrises pushed back to after 9 a.m. Children will go to school in the dark. Dr. Steve is fine with this. Back in the day, kids started their mornings deep in the coal mines where the sun never shone. That's when young people had character. We could use a little more of that.
Another complaint is that B.C. will now be out of sync with our neighbours in the United States. Well, duh. Would you want it any other way? Whatever time zone those people are in, count us out. When it’s noon in Vancouver, it's 1932 in Idaho. On the other hand, from November to March B.C. will now be in sync with Danielle Smith’s Alberta, which will likely lead to a craving for pipelines, more pipelines and ivermectin.
It’s true that you will have to explain the new time regime to your houseplants. Come November they'll be expecting sunlight at 8 a.m., poor things. Talk to them. Also, if you have roosters, make sure they are up to date.
But the great news is we don't have to mess around with clocks anymore. Time may change everything, but we don't change time. Find that little wheel on the back of the clock and give it a shot of Gorilla Glue. Anyway, why did the time change always happen at 2 a.m.? Dr. Steve hated having to stay awake half the night just to change the clocks. Very annoying.
This should not be the last time-related move we make. Let's pass a law that will restore the time when you had hair and/or could see your toes. And let's give everybody an extra hour or two to use whenever they want. For instance if you made the mistake of watching Donald Trump's state of the union speech, you should get that two hours back. If things are not going well, you should be able to call a time out. Stop the clock, get a pep talk from the coach. And let's cut two weeks out of January.
As the Alan Parsons Project informed us, time keeps flowing like a river. Except on your microwave. It will continue to flash “12:00.” ![[Tyee]](/design-article.thetyee.ca/ui/img/yellowblob.png){kind=small}
Read more: BC Politics
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