Please Advise! Can Canada Hide Under Trump’s Golden Dome?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

President Donald Trump says he's going to build a “Golden Dome” missile defence system and Canada will participate. Prime Minister Mark Carney confirmed he is open to the plan.

Is Canada really going to buy into a massive missile defence system?

Signed,

Dome Scroller

Dear DS,

Not just any missile defence system, friend. A golden one. The most amazing system, incredible, with chandeliers, and a marble fountain, and pictures of babies, flying babies, probably Italian babies. A golden dome with gold drapes, gold towel racks, gold bathroom fixtures. And a button you can push for a Diet Coke. Total class.

The Golden Dome marks the return of an old military fantasy. Ronald Reagan had his fantasy about a Star Wars space weapons system in the 1980s and now Trump has his own sci-fi scheme. The main difference is that Reagan wasn't much concerned about attacks from Greenland.

The principle is the same though — it protects your nation against incoming missiles. It's been proven effective by Israel — as long as the nation being protected is roughly the size of New Jersey. Trump's dome idea probably came from watching reruns of Get Smart. It's a Cone of Silence, supersized.

The fact that the United States, not to mention Canada, represents an area just a tad larger than Israel is only one of the challenging aspects of Trump’s Golden Dome. President Dippypants will want a system that protects Mar-a-Lago but not Bruce Springsteen. The high-tech operation will have to detect the difference between an airborne foreign missile and an airborne foreign bribe — you don't want to shoot down a beautiful gift-wrapped jet. Plus, it will have to run on crypto. Any state that doesn't buy Trump meme coins could end up with a bad case of missile toe.

A protective dome is certainly an attractive idea. South African President Cyril Ramaphosa could have used a device like that during his recent White House visit — some sort of umbrella against a monsoon of bullshit. Claiming that white South African farmers are facing genocide, Trump showed him a bogus film and some photos, one of which was actually from the Democratic Republic of Congo. Trump might have been thinking about Luke Skywalker’s parents — they were farmers who basically got killed by a guy in a black outfit. Trump probably intended to show that clip, but then someone waved a shiny object at him and he forgot.

Carney's acceptance of the “Golden Dome” plan has been causing some concern. But when the prime minister signalled his openness to be part of the fancy-schmancy dome, Dr. Steve was reminded of a classic Doonesbury cartoon from the ’70s. It starred Duke, the U.S. ambassador to China, chatting with Honey, the sole translator for the old and addled Chairman Mao. Honey explains how one day Mao had ordered the Great Wall to be dismantled, and she told him it had been done. Next day Mao changed his mind and Honey assured him the wall had been completely reassembled. “Actually I spent the whole week watching TV,” she tells Duke.

Dr. Steve believes this is Carney’s approach too. Once upon a time Trump said he would build a wall and Mexico would pay for it. Now he says he’s building a golden dome. Whatever. Why pick a fight with a delusional dung beetle? Just say yes. It’s Trump Management 101. Soon they will probably teach it at Harvard.

Speaking of which, Trump has continued his war on academia with his plan to punish Harvard by blocking international students. It has often been said that a good education is something no one can take away from you. Clearly that is why the Trump administration is focusing on prevention. “I love the poorly educated,” Trump once said, in one of those rare moments when he accidentally forgot to lie.

Trump’s plan, then, is to rid the United States of its future engineers, mathematicians and scientists, so they won’t interfere with his plan to create a massive and incredibly complex missile defence system. No problem. He’s still got Pete Hegseth.

As for Canada, we will continue building our defences, which consist mostly of nodding and smiling at every new excretion from the Oval Orifice. And repeating: “This too shall pass.”