Please Advise! Have We Hit Peak Weird?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

There's an unusual situation developing in the Yukon, where a registered clinical social worker named Debbra Greig has had her professional registration suspended because she is a follower of Romana Didulo, the self-styled Queen of Canada.

Greig had the highest level of clinical designation, qualifying her for contracts with various governments and Indigenous Services Canada, and also allowing her to make mental health diagnoses. Last summer, shortly before a family court proceeding, a legal aid lawyer received an email from Greig stating the court process was now “null and void” and that Canada is now governed by “HRH Queen Romana Didulo,” who has issued her own decrees.

The British Columbia College of Social Workers panel reviewing the case heard from Greig. “Very soon there will be an ‘apocalypse’ of information available worldwide and everybody will be made aware of what is truly happening on ‘planet’ Earth. This prophecy is well known... I am actually ‘stationed’ here in the north, to assist this population to process the coming apocalypse of information once everything ‘comes to light.’”

Are you concerned, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Pawn

Dear Pawn,

Look, Dr. Steve just wants to know where to send his taxes. Whose picture is on the money? Who's looking after the corgis? That's where his cheque goes.

As for the idea that people in positions of responsibility ought to recognize the laws of physics rather than the supremacy of magical sprites that hide in your nose when company comes, well, that's old-fashioned. We don't follow those archaic rules anymore. Shake off the shackles of mundane reality, my friends. Embrace the new world of Romana Didulo, RFK Jr. and Kash Patel.

Didulo, who identifies as the Queen of Canada, claims power over the military, taxation and the legal system, and has said she will punish all those who administered the COVID-19 vaccine.

So, basically, Danielle Smith without the fancy desk.

Meanwhile Donald Trump has nominated Kash Patel to run the FBI. Patel recently told felon Steve Bannon, “We're going to come after the people in the media who lied about American citizens, who helped Joe Biden rig presidential elections.” Patel also says he wants to shut down FBI HQ in Washington and tell the 7,000 staff, “Go be cops.”

So get ready for Kash Patel's Federal Bureau of Shitting on the First Amendment and Smacking People Around in Front of the 7-Eleven.

And of course there is the dynamic duo, Dr. Mehmet Oz and Robert Francis Kennedy Jr., the new twin towers of American medicine. RFK Jr. has been widely cited for his insane views, and yet time does not permit a full explication of his lunacy. It's like a 15-hour presentation of Wagner's Ring Cycle — the mind can only take so much before it drifts. He once said the pandemic was a plot hatched by Bill Gates and the CIA, banging on about the “fourth simulation” in paranoiac detail. He suggested ADHD kids could benefit from heroin, just like he did. He says people should drink raw milk, recently noted as a source of bird flu, among other bonuses. He wants to remove fluoride from drinking water. He hates vaccines.

RFK Jr.'s famous face is eerily similar to that of his late father. But while Bobby Kennedy made that face emblematic of the crusade for human rights and dignity, his son has become the Billy Graham of measles and polio. It's a different kind of revival.

As for Dr. Oz, he is by comparison just a cheap TV huckster, a Robin to Kennedy's Batman. Quick, to the Batshitmobile!

Then there is Kimberly Guilfoyle, recently dumped girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr., who has been named ambassador to Greece, thereby taking that nation from Pericles to parody. Guilfoyle would probably be more qualified for RFK Jr.'s medical job, based on her considerable experience with surgery.

At any rate, the point is that the old guidelines are no more. The loopiest, the most dangerous, the least qualified: these are the clay from which our governments are formed. The bar has been lowered since the time when Caligula appointed his horse to the Senate. Now only the lamest ass will do.

Never mind. We have been informed that Queen Didulo's “‘apocalypse’ of information” is on the way, when “everybody will be made aware of what is truly happening on ‘planet’ Earth.”

On that magical day, Dr. Steve will be taking careful notes.