[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
The International Criminal Court has issued an arrest warrant for Russian President Vladimir Putin. Meanwhile Donald Trump has told supporters he expects to be arrested this week.
Are the chickens finally coming home to roost for these autocrats?
These chickens you speak of — are they by any chance Republicans? When it comes to Putin and Trump you don't get more chicken than the GOP.
Take Trump's former dogsbody Mike Pence, for whom the crazed mob erected a gallows at the Capitol Building on Jan. 6, 2021. Pence recently said “History will hold Trump accountable” for his role in inciting the insurrection. By the way, Pence's middle name is Richard. Dr. Steve mentions this just in case you thought his middle name might be “History.”
Oh no — it won't be Mikey who removes his cloak of servility, gets up on his hind legs and bravely challenges his old master. Pence now says arresting Trump would be wrong. So next time a cop stops you for texting while driving 120 kilometres an hour through a school zone, just tell them, “Mike Pence says history should judge.”
Crime boss Donald Trump, a.k.a. Don “Whitey” Bulgy, says his possible arrest will be an outrage. But of course that's all relative. There seems little chance that an arresting officer will kneel on Trump's neck for nine-and-a-half minutes. If Trump didn't have a problem with the killing of George Floyd he has set the bar rather high for outrageous arrests. A perp walk won't be enough — he'll need a perp wedgie.
The first charges will apparently come from Manhattan and relate to the Stormy Daniels payoff, but Trump has enough pending charges to fill up a theme week on Wheel of Fortune. For one, there's the little matter of attempting to overthrow democracy. Trump's recent declaration that his supporters should rise up to fight his arrest is not what you would call exculpatory. Rather like: “I will make mincemeat out of anyone who accuses me of cannibalism!”
Among his many, many crimes and misdemeanours, it was recently revealed that Trump failed to report and return more than 50 gifts from foreign leaders, which are government property. He allegedly stole some fancy golf clubs. He needs to give those back. He allegedly made off with a $12,000 silk carpet. It must be returned. He allegedly took home a larger-than-life painting of himself. Trump needs to... you know what, we're good there. You hang on to that one, champ. And you can keep the Trump-Shaped Bikini Wax Kit too. Sean Hannity will want that for his birthday.
A Trump trial would certainly be something. If nothing else it will be worth following just to hear Trump make up judge nicknames: Judge Dreadful, L'il Gavel, Sleepy Ito. About now he probably regrets trading Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.
As for Putin, he celebrated his indictment by the International Criminal Court with a visit to the bombed-out city of Mariupol last weekend. Footage of the trip will feature prominently in the new Tucker Carlson production, The Tourist Invasion of Ukraine. There will be some nice shots of Putin enjoying a blood-orange gelato.
Putin cannot be taken into custody as long as he stays in Russia. So his reasons for invading Crimea years ago have now become clear — he needs somewhere to vacation. This ICC indictment could backfire if Putin ends up invading the Carnival Cruise Line.
On the other hand, there is another place besides Russia where ICC verdicts are not officially recognized — that would be the United States of America. If things get too hot for Putin he could always go to Florida and hang with his gay-bashing buddy, Gov. Ron DeSantis. Or he could dig a cozy spider hole in Sen. Josh Hawley's yard.
More likely Putin will probably end up like Al Pacino in Scarface, holed up in the Kremlin, snorting borscht as his enemies close in. Except when Putin says, “Say hello to my little friend,” he'll mean Tucker Carlson.
Dr. Steve is keeping his expectations for actual prosecutions low. But just in case, he hopes Rudy Giuliani's Masked Singer outfit is back from the dry cleaners. He may be back in front of the cameras soon.
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