Please Advise! Should I Enrol at Danielle Smith U?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Alberta Premier Danielle Smith recently released a video in which she provided her own version of Canadian history.

“Many years ago, the Indigenous people of this land and those that came from across the world united to tame an unforgiving frontier, ensuring prosperity for countless future generations,” she said. “It was their duty to support one another as neighbours and to build this country together, developing democratic institutions that would yield good and stable governance. I think it's important to remind ourselves where we came from because it might help shape where we're going.”

What do you think of Premier Smith's historical take?

Signed,

Olds Scholar

Dear Scholar,

Revisionist history is particularly hot at the moment. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is removing books about civil rights from Florida schools. Donald Trump recently said that Vladimir Putin was forced to invade Ukraine by Joe Biden, who of course stole the 2020 election.

But Danielle Smith may be in a history class of her own. Her version of the Indigenous experience in Canada joins her previous fascinating takes on medical issues to provide a unique perspective on our world, one she is only too happy to share with today's youth. Now, in an alleged Tyee exclusive, Dr. Steve has uncovered other pages from the official Smith syllabus. Here then is a sampling of the course outline for Danielle Smith History 101.

Prehistoric Earth

Dinosaurs once ruled the planet, but God knew that they were unlikely ever to accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour and so he sent an asteroid to turn them all into oil. In this viscous afterlife the dinosaurs became part of God's great plan to exalt Alberta and give it dominion over all of its neighbours, like a T. Rex capable of tearing its prey limb from limb, be they slow-moving herbivores or invasive federal regulations. In this way God also proved through his infinite wisdom that climate change can have some pretty sweet side benefits.

Later extinctions

The woolly mammoth became extinct about 7,500 years ago. The extinction occurred after cordial negotiations with local homo sapien populations, where it was mutually decided that the world was simply not big enough for both species. Mammoths realized they would not much enjoy zoo life, and thus were better off just forfeiting the match to the new dominant species. Similar negotiations were later held with dodos and passenger pigeons, the latter of which were once so numerous they darkened the skies of North America, a fact the pigeons had to admit made them look rather selfish and inconsiderate. All that nasty poop! Thus they made no complaints while being slaughtered to the last bird, another example of the genial co-operation that has so often marked human relations with our animal friends.

The US Civil War

The American South was a happy and prosperous land that produced valuable resources of cotton, ruled over by the wise and feisty Scarlett O'Hara and her sweet deputy premier, Melanie. But the tyrannical government of the North, ruled by President Abraham Trudeau, wanted to claim the South's resources for its own. So the southern plantation owners and their loyal workforce, who picked cotton and sang interesting sad songs in exchange for valuable room and board, united to fight against federal aggression. Sadly they were crushed, just as Justin Trudeau would like to crush Alberta. Their example stands as a warning, which is why patriotic Albertans still put Confederate flag stickers on their pickup trucks to this very day. The truck nuts are just a bonus.

Confederation

In 1867, Upper and Lower Canada joined New Brunswick and Nova Scotia to form a new nation. The man who would become Canada's first prime minister, Sir John A. Trudeau, reminded the assembly that the invention of the automobile was only a couple of decades away, with the establishment of the Province of Alberta to follow a couple of decades after that. So if eastern interests were going to properly subjugate those western rubes and start the process of robbing them blind, they'd better get to work, pronto. His words were greeted with hearty cheers, evil laughter and condescending remarks about the Calgary Stampede. Later God would punish them with trucks.

Penicillin

Discovered in 1928, penicillin paved the way for far more important medical breakthroughs like hydroxychloroquine and horse dewormer. Why not try Ivermectin on salads and to add zest to stir fries?

Polio vaccine

The jury is still out on this one.

Moon landing

Try doing that with windmills, Greta.

Higher education

In February 2004, 23-year-old Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg launched Facebook. It would go on to become the unimpeachable source of all medical and political knowledge in the world. When submitting essays, always remember to cite your memes.

Freedom Convoy

The past is prologue. The Magna Carta, the American and French revolutions, the creation of the Dodge Ram 1500 — all of it leading up to the historical apotheosis that was the Freedom Convoy. Your customized “F*** Trudeau” flag will constitute 70 per cent of your final grade.