Please Advise! So Many Unseated Politicians. Why?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Ken Sim and his ABC team clobbered the competition in Vancouver. Doug McCallum lost (narrowly) in Surrey. Generally, it was a bad weekend for incumbents in B.C. What does it all mean?

Signed,

Cleisthenes

Dear Cleo,

On election night the wrath of the gods was signalled by the heavens. Before the polls closed, the setting sun glowered over the Lower Mainland like an angry red eye, signalling the blood bath to come.

Of course thanks to our dismal air quality the sun has looked the same every evening since, but the wrath of the gods can't just be switched on and off like a kitchen fan. Wait till the new council meets, at least. The gods are sure to love those 100 new cops.

Saturday night in Vancouver you were either yelling “ABC!” or “WTF?” In addition to winning the mayor's chair, Sim's A Better City team elected seven councillors on a platform that included those 100 new cops. There are questions about how they'll find money for them, not to mention the 100 new frontline nurses the party promised. But at least the uniforms should be great. Lululemon founder and ABC donor Chip Wilson was partying at party HQ on election night, which suggests the new VPD will soon be rocking ribbed merino Kevlar-blend knit beanies, quilted grid holsters and stretchy, breathable new firearms.

The Tyee would love to confirm the details on these new outfits, but on election night Wilson told Tyee reporter Chris Cheung that he would never talk to this publication, as it is a nest of Communists. Dr. Steve finds this allegation disturbing. But it does explain why he has always been paid in sacks of millet.

Sorry, folks: "I wouldn't never talk to The Tyee in a million years! Communists!" https://t.co/GyGhyflhKd

— Christopher Cheung (@bychrischeung) October 16, 2022

There's also the question of where Sim will find the new officers. Good news on that front — there could soon be a lot of unemployed cops in Surrey. Mayor-elect Brenda Locke says she plans to blow up Doug McCallum's beloved Surrey police force plan like the Kerch Bridge and retain the services of the RCMP. New cops in Vancouver, old cops in Surrey — will Goldilocks ever find the municipality where the cops are just right?

McCallum and Kennedy Stewart were two of the incumbent mayors who went down to defeat Saturday. One of the two returned their government vehicle in good shape, and it wasn't the mayor of Surrey. Photos popped up online of McCallum's car back in the government lot with significant damage. No explanation was forthcoming. Dr. Steve offers a couple: McCallum's car became sentient, like KITT, and went seeking vengeance for its master's damaged foot, allegedly run over by car in a Save-On parking lot. Or McCallum's car was attacked by someone in a Save-On parking lot, who appears on CCTV to be wearing a Doug McCallum Halloween costume.

As for the outgoing Surrey mayor himself, his farewell speech was brief enough to make the Gettysburg Address look like the transcript of a teenage phone call. McCallum stepped to the mic and said, “Maybe it's time for me to put my feet up.”

A bit late, mayor. You probably should've thought of that back in the Save-On parking lot.

But not so fast, Surrey — Monday evening, McCallum announced he would not concede after all and asked for a recount. Locke's margin of victory was only 973 votes, which you can almost count on your toes. Let's try: This little piggy went to market, where it is alleged that he was run over by an SUV... but we're getting off topic here. One thing is for sure — in the unlikely event McCallum is returned to office his official vehicle should come with three wheels, handlebars and a little silver bell.

Election night 2022 has been portrayed as a wipeout for incumbents, with reason — the mayors of West Vancouver, Maple Ridge, White Rock, Langley City, Kelowna and Penticton were defeated, while a number of others chose not to run. But patterns were hard to find. Was Ken Sim's victory part of a right-wing sweep? Tell that to Langley Township mayoral hopeful and former BC Liberal cabinet hardliner Rich Coleman, who finished third, or to Chilliwack school board dinosaur Barry Neufeld, who will now be forced to offer his anti-LGTBQ opinions from a barstool, or worse yet, a podcast.

Was there some overall theme to the elections? As Dr. Steve watches the red solar orb descend through the atmospheric haze, he suspects the decisive factor may be that cities today often face problems over which they have little more control than the drifting smoke. And all the while social media’s chattering classes throw digital brickbats at the heads of whoever is nominally in charge. So one set of elected officials get the boot and it's someone else's turn to fail.

On the other hand, Betty Forbes the Pigeon Punisher was re-elected in North Vancouver. Clearly more candidates should have targeted those pesky pigeons and promised a squab in every pot. Just don't try to cross the crows.