Please Advise! Is ‘Soylent Green’s’ Dystopia Here?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The movie Soylent Green was set in the year 2022. Well, here we are. Has it come true?

Signed,

People

Dear People,

Oh, stop it. Your pseudonym is making my mouth water.

It was 1973 when Hollywood star Charlton Heston yelled “Soylent Green is people!” — a line that is now better known than the movie it came from. In the version of 2022 depicted in the film, Earth is an overpopulated mess, and a mega-corporation is feeding the seething masses tasty biscuits which, as Heston eventually discovers, are made from the seething masses.

This was the year it was supposed to be happening. Had the movie been correct, by now Wendy’s would have lost the apostrophe. (Of course, you wouldn’t have to order a Wendy — the Andrew with Cheese would also be popular. Add Bobby Bacon for just a dollar extra).

How accurate was Soylent Green’s dystopian scenario? The movie got some things right about 2022. Recycling is certainly popular, although the culinary aspect is still underexploited. The movie depicted a world of massive income gaps with a super-wealthy patriarchal elite (most of whom live like Jeffrey Epstein), militarized police and a planet ravaged by climatic catastrophe. However, the filmmakers’ dark vision of a future dotted with 1968 Chevrolet station wagons did not come to pass.

There are other aspects of Soylent Green that do not ring true. For one — why all the secrecy? The recent trend toward greater political polarization suggests that once you explain to consumers that they are eating their neighbours, they will be fine with it. The only controversies will centre on just who is consuming whom. You don’t want to eat a close relation — there could be health issues.

On the other hand, dining on relatives could be a definitive solution to those nasty political arguments that often break out at big family dinners. You rarely hear a turkey or a pot roast arguing that vaccines are a globalist conspiracy, and the same would be true if the main course was Uncle Tony. (Caution: there might be issues getting CFIA or FDA approval on Uncle Tony and his COVID-riddled butt roast. You might not even want to feed Uncle Tony to dairy cattle.)

In other homes, the menu would be different. Your red-hat MAGA types would probably prefer a blue plate special. Never mind owning the libs — why not eat them? A side benefit: it turns out there’s more than one way to get vaccinated.

Soylent Green got another aspect of the future right — there is an element of climate denialism in the film’s scenario. People are told Soylent products are sourced from ocean plankton, blissfully unaware that the oceans of 2022 have long been depleted. Based on recent events, Heston’s revelation at the end of the film would likely be ignored or explained away by people who would go right on eating Soylent Green and savouring that real plankton flavour. Inconvenient truths don’t stick.

But wait, you say — wouldn’t they believe a warning that comes from gun-loving Charlton Heston? He’s no liberal Tom Hanks, after all. But you have to remember, in 1973, when Soylent Green was released, Heston was just a Hollywood actor. The Republican rank-and-file of 2022 would probably be more receptive to a message from past NRA president Charlton Heston. But in 1973, that Heston was still in the future. Man, this time travel stuff messes with your head.

The world of Soylent Green has not come to pass quite yet. But wait. It’s only January. Once upon a time it would have seemed crazy that a narcissistic psychopath could convince tens of millions of people that over 800,000 deaths are really just a personal attack on him by his political enemies. So, who knows? Treating COVID victims with 11 different herbs and spices could well be next. We can only hope to survive until 2274. At least in the world of Logan’s Run you’ll get to wear one of those cute little toga dresses.